I have a sinking feeling every time I think of a trip we had together. All my trips have some memory of him - Europe, Coorg, Sri Lanka and Cambodia. There are hardly any trips I did without him, and those that I did, he was linked - I remember speaking to him over the phone.
It's starting to make sense though - the fact of the matter is, I can be upset with society for his parents being the way they are. But the problem wasn't his parents, the problem wasn't me. The problem was in him all along. He never could stand up for himself. It wasn't about standing up for me against his parents, it was about standing up for himself. He never did that in front of his friends, that's why he didn't have any. People saw him as a joke, and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful way. People knew he didn't have a personality of his own, he was always trying to fit in, and do things to impress people. And I know that deep inside, because I told him this so many times - we fought about it too.
Even if we were together - and this is going to change - even if he were, we wouldn't have worked because he would have always been swayed by others and never really held his own. Would I have ever been truly happy? Now let's address the main issue - why do I want to be with him? After what he did, it was not bad to me (I mean it was) but the larger issue remains, how can one be with a person who doesn't stand up for themselves. I do not miss him, I miss the feeling of being loved. And as scared as I am of never feeling that way about anyone ever again - I think it's more important to realize that I would never have been happy that a man would always look towards others for approval and guidance rather than have an opinion of oneself. It was great to feel needed, to feel respected by him - but that was an illusion. Inside he was insecure and unsure and he reached out to others, not because he was a strong, independent person.
He was good to me. And it hurts that he is no longer in my life. I cannot deny that. It may continue to hurt for some time. And I have lost 3 years of my life to him. But what about the next 30? These 3 years will seem like nothing for the next 30 years of my life. Time is not running out - it is okay to get married late, it is okay to have children late - that is one thing you will not regret. But what you will regret is continuing to feel pain for someone who didn't see your pain. You can hurt like hell thinking about all your trips with him, but he chose to walk away from all of those. After 1 day. After 1 day. All the talks we had that we would try for months - he gave up after 1 day. Does a person like that deserve the love you gave to him or the pain you feel for him?
It wouldn't have worked (it's not sour grapes) - just think, forget that you loved him for a second. Just imagine today, if you met this person who couldn't stand up for himself, for what he wanted and claimed he loved - would you want to go out with him? No, right? Then why are you still hung up on him. The sadness will pass. The pain will pass. But I need to let him go.
I need to realize that he wasn't the one. He wasn't. The one doesn't give up on what he loves. Like you, you're hurt, you're bruised, but you haven't given up on love. You've had a lot of crap thrown at you - PCOD, denied promotions, deaths, crazy parents - you're still here. You're still moving on with your life. That's strength. And that's something he never had and never will.
Accept that he was not right for you. Acknowledge the pain you feel. He didn't love you, he cared for you. But it is over now. And you don't want him back. Even if he says he's changed. What he did cannot be undone. What his parents are cannot change. He is not the one. He was just something that came and went. Your life is not over. It has just begun.
It's starting to make sense though - the fact of the matter is, I can be upset with society for his parents being the way they are. But the problem wasn't his parents, the problem wasn't me. The problem was in him all along. He never could stand up for himself. It wasn't about standing up for me against his parents, it was about standing up for himself. He never did that in front of his friends, that's why he didn't have any. People saw him as a joke, and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful way. People knew he didn't have a personality of his own, he was always trying to fit in, and do things to impress people. And I know that deep inside, because I told him this so many times - we fought about it too.
Even if we were together - and this is going to change - even if he were, we wouldn't have worked because he would have always been swayed by others and never really held his own. Would I have ever been truly happy? Now let's address the main issue - why do I want to be with him? After what he did, it was not bad to me (I mean it was) but the larger issue remains, how can one be with a person who doesn't stand up for themselves. I do not miss him, I miss the feeling of being loved. And as scared as I am of never feeling that way about anyone ever again - I think it's more important to realize that I would never have been happy that a man would always look towards others for approval and guidance rather than have an opinion of oneself. It was great to feel needed, to feel respected by him - but that was an illusion. Inside he was insecure and unsure and he reached out to others, not because he was a strong, independent person.
He was good to me. And it hurts that he is no longer in my life. I cannot deny that. It may continue to hurt for some time. And I have lost 3 years of my life to him. But what about the next 30? These 3 years will seem like nothing for the next 30 years of my life. Time is not running out - it is okay to get married late, it is okay to have children late - that is one thing you will not regret. But what you will regret is continuing to feel pain for someone who didn't see your pain. You can hurt like hell thinking about all your trips with him, but he chose to walk away from all of those. After 1 day. After 1 day. All the talks we had that we would try for months - he gave up after 1 day. Does a person like that deserve the love you gave to him or the pain you feel for him?
It wouldn't have worked (it's not sour grapes) - just think, forget that you loved him for a second. Just imagine today, if you met this person who couldn't stand up for himself, for what he wanted and claimed he loved - would you want to go out with him? No, right? Then why are you still hung up on him. The sadness will pass. The pain will pass. But I need to let him go.
I need to realize that he wasn't the one. He wasn't. The one doesn't give up on what he loves. Like you, you're hurt, you're bruised, but you haven't given up on love. You've had a lot of crap thrown at you - PCOD, denied promotions, deaths, crazy parents - you're still here. You're still moving on with your life. That's strength. And that's something he never had and never will.
Accept that he was not right for you. Acknowledge the pain you feel. He didn't love you, he cared for you. But it is over now. And you don't want him back. Even if he says he's changed. What he did cannot be undone. What his parents are cannot change. He is not the one. He was just something that came and went. Your life is not over. It has just begun.
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