Conflicted

The other woman, they'd call me - but zero fucks for your labels. I hate that I can't bend you to my will. That's the real reason I hate myself. Because when creatures don't bend to my will, I throw them out of the window of my speeding car. Or chuck them in a dumpster with all the other things that lost their preciousness to me. And I cannot reconcile the fate I should leave you to with the fate I want to bestow upon you. 

Fulfil

Come sit with me, for a while,

Let us share a few words, and more.

I'll try not to touch the soft hair falling on your face,

And your sweet lips that bear a hint of a smile.

I'll try not to kiss your sweet skin that drives me crazy,

But you will not stop me, I know.

You will not stop before you take my face in your palms,

You will not stop before your lips touch mine.

And why should you?

Why should there be distance between us,

Barriers in our love?

What has the world ever achieved without love?

What makes more sense than loving another?

The ache of waking up without you in the morning,

Breaks my heart like feet upon thin ice,

And like water erodes the solid stones slowly,

So is my body eroded of ecstasy by the weathering of time.

Come fill my body with your love,

Complete me.

Those Eyes

 Save me from your eyes

For when they lock onto mine

They see who I am

And reveal parts of me

That even I dare not confront.

Cylinder

Baby, baby, I don't deserve you

Can I put you in a bottle

To keep and preserve you

From the evil in this world

I'll never let it touch you

I'd take over the Pentagon

Where the nukes are hid

And point them at the ones

Who hurt you instead.

They say white is pure

But I think its red

The color of my blood

My love in it bled

Take all of me now

And ask of me anything

There's no escape from you

I'm not mine now Darling. 

Your Beautiful Words

Floating in an ocean of your words

Listening to the chirping birds

I'm carried on waves to distant lands

Where I can rest in your soft sands

Souls Collide

Somewhere during our endless talks

On politics, poetry and philosophy,

In between our shy smiles

And secret-laden nervous laughs,

I stood at the edge of the cliff

Sneaking peeks into the abyss below,

Finding solace in your passion-tinted eyes,

Unravelling your soul's equation with tender fingertips.

In some moment when I sat alone

Feeling your lips teasing me on the wind

Listening to your voice resound in my core,

I became what I was destined to always be - yours.

Wishes

pata nahi tha ki khuda yoon hi meri khwashiein baant raha hai

warna duniya ke har dil ko paane ki muraad hi kar li hoti 

First Love

it was a child's love

holding hands like

the space between our fingers

would bond our souls tighter

lips touching and melting

not knowing what more

could make our hearts beat faster

handcrafting gifts

that would reflect our intentions 

of going to the world's end

for each other

restless after every fight

wanting to make it right

but knowing space is what we needed

giving in, professing love

heaving sighs of relief

and feeling like the world was right again

growing up

learning ways of the world

what strangers taught us

alcohol and attention

freedom and choice

realizing that hugs stopped feeling as warm

wanting things that were different

but overthinking ways to make 

things work with each other

kisses now flavored with whisky

silence comforting but sometimes not

anger and pain so intense

that the other couldn't see you, the real you

friends and bosses with mismatched ideas

we held hands, but the space between our fingers

no longer needed to be filled

recognizing that the we'd come too far

to let it all go, but giving up anyway

because a child's love

though what i want again

ran out that day

when i understood that there was only you

and no me, in the future

that we would have built.

Dating

swipe left

swipe left some more

and a bit more

the perfect waist

and angel smile

you're looking for

doesn't exist

easy to talk to

adventurous as you

but just enough

no she's not real

an ocean's there, yes

so many exciting views 

and exotic escapes

the chase

aah the chase

is so satisfying

the nerves, the butterflies

and then when its done

it's an empty feeling

like another checkbox

ticked, done

there's a word we've forgotten

no, it's not love

that we'll never forget

because what we seek

is seeking us, isn't it

well, i don't think it is

but in this abyss of choice

the one word we forget

is human

what it means to be human

the feeling of connection

mixed with the mundane

instant gratification

an is addiction now

everyone gets theirs

why not me

and then resentment sets in

because nothing seems

to fill that void

so swipe left

swipe some more

and a little bit more

to feel alive

when i all i feel inside

is the opposite

The Reality of Love

i'm excited by the possibility of love
and drowned by the failures behind me
when i sit alone in my room
i wonder and i wonder
the reasons for each broken heart
what was me
and what was them
and then before my heart threatens
to beat out of my broken rib cage
i take a breath
and lie convincingly to myself
that i'm pretty
and that someone will love me
for me

i look around and try
try to be grateful
for all that i have
but often it just feels
not enough
not enough to hold me together
when i'm alone
pitying myself for being alone
and then anger erupts
you're not supposed to feel sorry for yourself
no, that's not what strong people do
the thing is
i'm not one of them
i try and i try
but i can't find it in me
to be that way

i wish i could divorce the child in my head
that craves for love
to be held
safely
but the world's not safe
never was
never will be
and i will never be more than
a million pieces
shabbily glued together
ready to break
any second

What's the Word

i’m a word, some call me jibber, some call me jabber

but every word must have a meaning

mine is just a little more elusive than others

Feeling Blue

truly strange times these are – when i feel like meeting someone 

and no one at the same time

Fixing Others

i realized i chose toxic people to fix 

in hopes that it would fix me – it never did

Forgiveness

forgiving myself will be the one simplest,

yet hardest thing i’ll ever have to do

Demons

 the dark parts - i tried to hide them, then treat them

but in the end, i realized i’d have to live with them

Feeling Complete

 the hardest thing to accept was that i may never 

feel complete because i was never meant to

Help

 the only way i ever repaired anything

was in accepting i couldn’t do it alone

Being Yourself

 the only way i find i can live with myself 

is to never be anybody else

Hope

 in the moment when i felt like all was lost

is when i found something i never thought

World Stop It - Society

stop trying to get me

to make peace with systems

that rob me of me

stop trying to convince me

that traditions too are rational

gift yourself some context

and get a translator for my competence

i’m done trying to appeal 

to your better angels

perhaps its time to evoke something else

World Stop It - Religion

stop telling me

how your morals make you pure

stop lying to yourself

that religion brings us peace

that true love only happens

between one man and one woman

take my lenses to see

that society is most concerned

not with the wellbeing of a child

but a woman having a child out of wedlock

so far we’ve come

since we stepped on the moon

World Stop It - Beauty

stop equating my belly fat

to the extent of my self worth

direct your assumptions on my confidence

to a mathematician who can

tell you how flawed they are

stop trying to convince me

that a BMI of 24 should be my life’s goal

and physically fit people are happiest

i dare you to look in their eyes 

and tell me if that’s true

World Stop It - Success

stop telling me

that the definition of success

is my startup’s valuation

and my photo in Times 40 under 40

stop telling me that 

an idea is worthless

unless it rakes in millions

to make the richest people richer

while it is all but deformed

to meet your insatiable desire 

for wealth and wealth and wealth

World Stop It - Marriage & Children

stop telling me 

my life is incomplete 

without a man and a child

stop equating my feelings of loss

to the absence of those 

who don’t even exist

redirect your pity

to the person in the mirror

and stop seeking in me

the purpose of your life

because that’s not where you will find it

World Stop It - Things

stop trying to sell me things 

that i don’t need 

with money 

that i don’t have 

to fix problems 

that you invented

Loving You

no i do not love you

when you least deserve it

and you may think i deny you

to save or preserve it

no i do not love you

when you hide your pain

when you act irrational

or show me you’re vain

if love was a choice, then yes

i would never love you

but not just in these moments

in each one i breathe too

i truly, madly, deeply, love you

As the Moon

like the moon
we live our lives in parts
sometimes in full
and sometimes in halves

but on that one fixed day

the moon must disappear

and crescent by crescent

earn back its full sphere

yet only when it’s unseen

the moon is called new

because only utter darkness

can shed all that’s untrue

New Journeys

does the outcome scare you

or the journey itself

divorce the fear

embrace the excitement

break up with anxiety

much like your ex

it won’t do you any good

accept the concern

and channel it 

to carry you across

the desert that lies ahead

countless have failed

and many succeeded too

but it was theirs to own

and theirs to learn from

Confronting Childhood

i spoke to her

the seven year old me

and as she smiled

and looked upon me

with innocent curiosity

wondering why i’d 

called her back

i blubbered

and wailed

i couldn’t even tell her

that it’s going to be okay

i couldn’t even say 

those three words

every child

deserves to hear

Being More or Less

beware,

trying to be more

makes you more

but somehow

also makes you less

Addicted to Winning

 the thing about winning

is that after a while 

you want the win 

more than the reward

Brilliant Minds

i worship minds

but minds you see

have the power 

to deceive

rationality 

is overrated

stop feeling

berated

all the time

you think 

people hide

in cloaks of wisdom

are actually

just on the verge

of breaking when faced

with the loss

of their reality

The Bridge

the bridge is broke
between your hope
and my reality

the last hour spent

on my lament

yet you show no mercy

Giving Up

how many times

will you break me

hit me with 

one more rock bottom

and forsake me

crash on to me

harsh wave after wave

add another burden

on tired shoulders

that they can’t take

how many times

will you wake me

from one nightmare 

to take me to the next

tell me now so i know 

when to stop trying

to get back up again

Getting Over You

i have no energy 

in my bones 

to fight anymore 

the temptation

to say that

i’m over you

never was

never can be 

Breaking Up

as a rose blooms

so did our love

and though wind, rain and time 

shed a few petals

it was you and me 

that picked apart 

each petal and every leaf 

till nothing was left 

but thorns

The Value of Things

isn’t it strange 

that the more you have 

the less you value it

The Void

neither the 

substances

nor all 

the control

can fill 

the abyss

you left 

in my soul

Loving You

 part my heart 

and see,

i loved you

not me

Without Your Love

i may empty this heart 

and i may spend my soul

but without your love

i’ll never be whole

Dumped

 hurt me more

i’m just 

another toy

a silly girl

in love

with a boy

i’m not the one

but i’m sure 

you’ll find

a less broken me

and then

leave me behind

Soulmates

 soulmates sometimes leave
and never come back

Torn apart

 the world’s picking away parts of me 

and all I can do

 is to hand them away wrapped in a ribbon 

with a smile

Nightmares

in and out of nightmares

scarred with your eyes

even after all these years

my guilt never dies

Lost

stars can’t guide me home

from the darkness

that you left me lost in alone

Ways Part II

but i find ways to find

comfort that i can bring

in the words that i say

to stop you from hurting 

and i find ways to find

hope where hope’s lost

telling others of my failures

and of success’s cost

so i find ways to find

myself and all that means

moping in bed or out in

an xl shirt and jeans

Ways Part I

i find ways to hide

to not let them see

how i’ve failed and

how i’m not pretty

i find ways to hide

how my life is less

than my seaside vacations

and my sunshine dress

i find ways to hide

that i’m angry and flawed

a superstar at work

not just another fraud

Getting Over You

all the words in the world 

cannot help me get over you 

i was a fool to believe

i could ever stop loving you

Living and Dying

you live only once 

is a big fat lie

you live every day

but so do you die

Friendship

you don’t have to be there 

every time i break

as long as you make me laugh

when i cry a lake

Excuses

you’ll never 

run out of excuses 

to do nothing 

with your life

The Perfect Couple

silly laughs

and stupid fights

dancing under

the starry lights

being apart

holding hands

pain or joy

love withstands

Who Are You

you’re not your cv

or your waistline

you’re not your parents

or your sun sign

you’re not your promotions

or the money you make

you’re just the love

in this world you make

Picking Up The Pieces

pick up the pieces

start over again

you’re not your mistakes

chant it thrice, amen

Puzzles

there is more 

that separates us

than binds 

us together

but that is how

puzzle pieces

complete each other

Pain

you can’t live life

if you don’t know pain

you can act all stoic

but you know you feign

Love Hurts

smile,

you pretty little thing

learn to love,

even when it stings

Regret

 every regret

i have is from

taking for granted

things i should

have valued

What Souls Are Made Of

 your soul is made of

broken love

a dozen failures

childhood friendships

insecurities

incomplete thoughts

endless hope

and me

and everyone else

What am I

 am i a broken childhood

or am i shards of heart

am i made of falsehood

or of unconditional love

am i my fears alive

or my dark desires dead

am i my own keeper

or am i yours instead

Forgiveness

i am riddled 

with the guilt

of hurting you

and though 

you forgave me

i didn’t

forgive me too

Broken Pieces

 i could try 

to pick up the shards

and glue them back

together again

but it seems

i can’t even count 

the broken pieces

so where do i begin

Being Unhappy

 don’t call me brave

most times,

i just refuse

to let myself

be happy.

and in some

twisted world,

i end up

doing more

than others

find courage

to do.

Guilt

 most times 

i feel 

more guilt

for things 

i didn’t do

than those 

i did

Love Itself

nothing was easier 

than love

when I was with you

and now

nothing is harder

when you’re gone

Love Doesn't Cost a Thing

who says love 

doesn’t cost a thing

i buy your smiles 

with words of warmth that 

could have been spent on me 

i pay for days when 

you’re sad with patience 

and understanding

i fix your tears 

with sacrifices 

i ought not to be making

my love

loving you costs everything

Parts of Me

 i wish i too could love

as deeply as you did

those secret parts of me, that i so hated

Fickle Hope

 hope is fickle friend

you can hold on to it

take on mountains

change the world

and lose it one day

like your keys

Loving Me

 when you loved me

it was easy to love me too

Hope and Patience

 hope is easy

it’s patience that’s hard

Made of Stone

 i shall go 

so far away

you will 

forget 

my face 

one day

i am made 

of stone

my love 

thank for 

making me 

this way

Anonymous

so lost
and more alone
forever to
stay unknown

Now you see me

in mad-made temples
of countless lies
in a fortune teller’s
false disguise

in fragile leaves
of olden trees
in shape-shifting
moons’ mysteries

in black dawn skies
somewhat blue
all around me
i see you

Misfits

music
but, without a tune
hot chocolate
in the month of june

a runner
not in a race
worth loving
but, out of place

Origins III

sins of pride
lust and greed
made me ugly
but succeed

love around
but none for me
I betrayed
one too many

nothing left
a zero score
starting over as
poet of yore

Origins II

I wasn’t alive
nor was I dead
when you left
me to my dread

doomed to fail
in life and love
pain below
and fear above

a little hope
another door
opened and made
poet of yore

Origins I

we’ll never walk
hand in hand
or slow dance to a
street-side band

no morning teas
or midnight cigs
an end to all
the whisky swigs

bye for now
and ever more
thus was made
poet of yore

New beginnings

somewhere during my
attempts at distractions
in the middle
of hating and accepting
who I was and who I could be

at some intersection

of grief and joy

after I cried on

the ninth date

with someone who wasn’t you

in the moments when I sat alone

feeling the wind

listening to another 

love song we used to sing

I got over you

Being in love

I do not miss him
I miss the feeling
Of being loved.
It was healing.

Right and wrong

Right and wrong, like beauty, lie in the eyes of the beholder

Be true to you

The strongest armor

Is you as you 

Every smile has power

As does each scar

Come to pass

The rain may fall
And wipe it away
Seasons may pass
Healing the decay
Night may befall
Till there is no day
But my words
Will never end,
Because you, love
Shall never end.

Lies

Stop being the one

To memorize his lies

A feeling of false love

Is not a worthy prize

Humility

Count your mistakes
Like dribbles of a ball
Let them humble you
When you stand tall

Inner Peace - Take II

You could lift

Your head to peek

What floats atop

The teeming creek

But take a breath

And do not think

The view is fine

You shall not sink

Your heart may race

But that’s okay

Chaos will pause

Then float away

You won’t think

Of what is next

You are content

And unvexed

Just this once

You will not mind

A minute, though

But peace you’ll find

What goes around comes around

You're so alone
But you push people away,
You flaunt your self-love
For cheap likes every day.

You swipe up-down-left
But you want their attention,
They better be Ivy league (and hot)
F*$k real connection.

You revel in the guilt
Of hearts you've broken,
Ask me for forgiveness 
But your actions have spoken.

You can run, and you'll get far
But I won't be home waiting,
It's just pieces of my heart
That you left aching.

Song of death

Tonight, sleep won't come to me
And neither will you.

There won't be someone holding me tight,
Whispering it's going to be an right.

No undeserved kisses,
Or soft, warm embraces.

No songs to lull me,
Or vices to dull me.

No words that allay,
Torments of the day.


But tonight, patience will come to me
And my darling peace will return.

There will be clarity guiding my feet
To the end I am to meet.

A well-deserved smile,
Will carry me for a while.

A rhythm from within,
Will tickle my skin.

And a soul that was lost,
Will finally, have crossed.


Tuesday, April 7, 2020
3:35 AM

It's Easier

It's easier to believe
That you're nothing
Than you're everything

It's easier to think
That this is the worst
Even if it was worse before

It's easier to believe
You can't make it
Even when no one has

It's easier to think
That you need changing
More than others do

It's easier to believe
That you're broken
Than a wound that healed

It's easier to think
That you need someone
Even if you're complete.

Love in the time of Corona

Maybe, finally, this time, we will learn...
We'll learn to choose love over greed,
And show more empathy than apathy.
We'll learn to leave past baggage at the door,
And accept that doing right is better than being right.

Maybe, finally, this time, we will learn...
We'll learn to measure lives in more than dollars,
And recognize simpler things bring most joy.
We'll learn not to destroy our beautiful planet,
And realize what goes around, really does come around.

Maybe, finally, this time, we will learn...
We'll learn that compromises don't make us,
And it's actually our will to live instead.
We'll learn that we're all made of more than mass
And it's called humanity, and it's not dead.

Incept

Crawling my way through the darkness,
Praying some day I could be free.
All this time I spent fighting my imperfections
That were a mirror of you not me.

I climbed high till I could breathe no more
And I denied air as I sank to the deep.
The prize was your perfect reproach,
I thought I was woke, but I was asleep.

Now I must dive into darkness again to find
The answer that appears at the brink of my reach.
Your inception was perfect, I question what's real,
Was it your lies, or your lies I now preach?