The Reality of Love

i'm excited by the possibility of love
and drowned by the failures behind me
when i sit alone in my room
i wonder and i wonder
the reasons for each broken heart
what was me
and what was them
and then before my heart threatens
to beat out of my broken rib cage
i take a breath
and lie convincingly to myself
that i'm pretty
and that someone will love me
for me

i look around and try
try to be grateful
for all that i have
but often it just feels
not enough
not enough to hold me together
when i'm alone
pitying myself for being alone
and then anger erupts
you're not supposed to feel sorry for yourself
no, that's not what strong people do
the thing is
i'm not one of them
i try and i try
but i can't find it in me
to be that way

i wish i could divorce the child in my head
that craves for love
to be held
safely
but the world's not safe
never was
never will be
and i will never be more than
a million pieces
shabbily glued together
ready to break
any second