Say it ain't so...

Sitting in the darkness debating good and bad,
Crying away all the tears I wish I never had,
Trying to move forward by I can't forget the past,
I never knew our love would ever end so fast.

Say you don't love me and you don't want me back,
I'll find some morbid dungeon where time loses track.

kuch lavz...

Koi khwahish apki adhoori na rahe,

Chahein jisko apko usse duri na rahe,
Khushiyon ke phool itne khilein apke,
Humari yaad bhi apke liye zaruri na rahe...

Hamlet's advice..

To call or not to call,
That is the question.
For it is nobler to resist the temptation,
Suffer the loneliness.
To seek his happiness,
To die, in a desperate wait.
To know, it was in vain.

Help

Hope is lost and I am dead,
I do not know what lies ahead.
Take your pity and leave now,
I know you don't care anyhow.

Difficulties of being alone

I am alone as the world closes in around me,
And I am jealous of him being so carefree.
I should not be, for all have troubles in life,
Yet the loneliness only adds to my endless strife.

A different kind of love...

The nights shall burn,
In flames of passion.
The bodies shall yearn,
As faces turn ashen.
With morning light,
The waves shall wash over,
The restless night,
Only souls to now savor.

Cry Alone

'Cry alone', he says, 'Like I did'.
How naive my sweet love is,
For he is so coveniently unaware
Of the endless nights I battle with,
Scarred with salty tears and failed dreams.






Yet I start afresh each day,
And happily, sweetly I call him
Sure to put on my calmest voice,
And keep strong my heart.
The albatross around my neck,
Whispers in my ears to let go,
And let the tears pour like blood
From valleys I carved on my wrists,
But I dare not upset him,
I dare not encroach upon his space.

And when my body crosses the bridge of concious control,
I dare to encroach and he reminds me,
Reminds me of how easy I have it,
How blessed I am.

And I am blessed, aren't I?
Having a friend who teaches me the lessons of life,
Teaches me how cruel the world is,
So I can practice pragmatism.
No words of love and comfort for me.
No, they only destroy, like they did when I first met him.

So let me continue my silent tears,
That fall every time he snaps the phone,
I'm glad my sweet love does not see them,
He is too pragmatic for emotions.
Yes emotions destroy and I shall never learn,
But they also bring the success he can only dream of,
He shall never understand..

Discarded Memories...

I ask myself often if there is something, anything I could do to win him back. So desperate am I for a solution that I have considered jumping in front of a bus, hoping beyond hope that pity will be enough to bring him back. I struggle to think of something else besides him. Even my previous obsessive infatuation took no longer than six months to turn into repulsion. With this gentleman, I seem no closer than I was on the first day. Pillow covers bear the scars of spilled kajal and the ominous blade carries blood residue and as if by the hands of god, the music compilation I made for him plays on a discarded computer. All the grave mistakes I made flash by my eyes burning holes in my innards. I can feel the tears on the brink of my eyelashes and as another song plays they finally begin to fall.

There is no rest, no respite from the shame of my adultery and my pathetic attempts at sadistic manipulations. The next song rightly asks how things will ever be mended, how those sweet moments in the rain will be ever be righted. His memories haunt me, so weighty, so overwhelming. I dream of love as time runs through my head. It makes sense at last. The world is right because of him, the world is wrong because of him. He disturbs my dreams and my thoughts, never resting until he has made me cry.

I am quick to point that I had left no stone unturned to make him happy, but alas, I could not change myself until it was too late. It may not make sense to him that I have changed, but it is only for me to understand that I have my self respect back now that I have changed. I’ve been kissed by a rose on the grey. No less than a drug addiction that I steal highs from in our short moments of interaction.

I read my memoirs and laugh at how accurately my life had resembled a soap opera. I played with his feelings, yes; I created such drama, just to keep it going. And I feel contorted now; twisted beyond repair were my past actions. Please forgive me I can’t stop loving you. There’s nothing more that I would like to do than leave his life and allow him to start afresh, but his memories are holding me back. What have you done to me, loved me beyond understanding, beyond he boundaries of heaven and hell. Sweet desert rose, each shadow veils a secret promise. Each day bears a new seed of hope.

Lullaby

March on, no end in sight,
Hoist the sails, over the sea,
Sail on and on.

No sight of land for days and days,
As cattle on rotting bread we graze,
Maggots for company,stinking of brandy,
Hoist the sails, over the sea,
Sail on and on.

The sun rises, the sun sets,
Wind blows, the mind forgets,
Drifting off to Neverland,
To the noose hand-in-hand!

Reflections of a Dangerous Mind

The heat of the winter sun envelops me,
And the bile rises in my stomach.
The lethargic smell of pills and bile and blood,
Comes flooding back again with the rising cud.

I remember each of the hundred and fifty pills,
That I stuffed down my throat.
Carefully combined in the most potent combination,
After days of research with the most serious intention.

I remember the shock of the aftermath,
The food I couldn't eat and the water I couldn't drink.
The regurgitation of friendly medicines each time,
The wind pipe gone pulpy as I pretend to be fine.

He thinks he is the only one,
Whose friends warn him to never return.
Alas if he knew that when I was saved from the face of death,
I promised another I wouldn't see him till my dying breath.

I am a fool, yes I am,
For loving him so.
He will always find excuses not to come back to me,
For his ego will never accept my sincere apology.

Tired

I'm tired and I want him back,
But I do not know what I lack..

Choice

Nightmares fill my nights instead of your sweet voice,
I wish I could turn back time and make a different choice...

Bizzare...

I wake up in the morning with bad breath,
I know I'll be alone until my death....

Aye

And Satan laughed his evil laugh and said,
"Let there be night,
And no hope in sight!"
And all the sweet angels grandly said "Aye!"

Judged

When the judge becomes the judged, then comes realization,
Walk another's path and see, how your life is utterly fiction.

Warped & Twisted

Harsh words and violent blows,
Hidden secrets nobody knows.
Eyes are open, hands are fisted,
Deep inside I'm warped and twisted.
So many tricks and so many lies,
Too many whens and too many whys.
I'm not special, I'm not gifted,
I'm just me, warped and twisted.
Sleeping awake and choking on a dream,
Listening loudly to a silent scream.
Call my mind, the number's unlisted,
Lost in someone so warped and twisted.
On my knees, alive but dead,
Look at all the blood I've bled.
I'm not gone but my mind has drifted,
Don't expect much, I'm warped and twisted.
Burnt out, wasted, empty and hollow,
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow.
The sun's died out, the ashes sifted,
I'm still here, warped and twisted.

Real

No one hears me, understands me
I speak to the silence
Hoping that someone will hear my words,
Hoping to find love,
I wish for a stronger, better life
Filled with everlasting determination.
I dream the future, but hold on to the past,
My body is brimmed with so many confusions
Am I really here experiencing fullness?
I must be, the pain is so real.

Dry Humour

You broke my heart when you left me alone,
But you also broke something else I own.
I ran down the stairs to answer your phone,
I tripped and fell and broke my back bone.

HAHAHAHAHA

No Replacements

You left for good, never to return,
And again I must move on,
Empty on the inside,
I wait for another dawn.

I cannot search for another,
He will be substitute at best,
Someone I will pretend is you,
In hopes that I may rest.

His arms will cause repulsion,
And I will run from his touch,
How can I pretend I love another,
When I miss you so very much.

His Anthem...

You can't do nothin right, you f***ing cry all night,
You're a lier and a bitch, you're an ugly lookin witch,
Cry your heart out! Cry your f***ing heart out!

You make me wanna run away, all you know is how to play,
All you do is break my heart, you think you're so f***ing smart,
Cry your heart out! Cry your f***ing heart out!

Cry my darling, cry your heart out!
You broke my trust baby doll, cry your f***ing heart out!
You're a waste of space, and I hate your face,
Cry your heart out! Cry your f***ing heart out!

We'll get it on everyday, you think it's gonna be okay,
You're a crazy f***ing stalker, you can go suck another,
I aint gonna forget what you did to me,
Cry your heart out! Cry your f***ing heart out!

All the shitty gifts you made, gonna burn them all away,
With the memories I have of you, making love to me like I wanted to,
Your sacrifices all undone, I won't forgive you thats certain,
Cry your heart out! Cry your f***ing heart out!

Cry my darling, cry your heart out!
You broke my trust baby doll, cry your f***ing heart out!
You're a waste of space, and I hate your face,
Cry your heart out! Cry your f***ing heart out!

It's hard to forget

Reach out and touch the pain,
That emanates from me.
Hold me in your arms again,
And caress me softly.

I miss your soft voice,
That sung sweetly to me.
I wish I had the choice,
To forget you easily.

Patthar Dil

Patthar bhi pighalte hain isse moam ki tarah,
Jis juu-e-dard se apka dil bey-fikr raha.



Translation:-
Even stones melt like wax from this river of pain,
This suffering which your heart ignores as inane.

Kaun hai woh?

Betahaasha jiye zindagi, par na samajh hai nahi.
Kasak hai gazab, par ashk girte nahi.
Awaaz mein hai chipa, chehra jo na dikha,
Faqat na sahi, par woh saalim bhi nahi.

Redemption

In the tenebrous night, the candle flickers.
The wind outside is tepid, calm, and treacherous.
They are calling for him.
Door to door they march,
Unnerved onlookers gasp in horror,
As the sanctity of their homes is disturbed.

They find him.
His vacant eyes hide no emotion.
He is wafted to the town plaza.
He has committed a sin.
To be hanged unto death.
How divine it is to escape redemption.

No one will deny it...

The heart is marred,
Thought there are many to adorn it.
He says, majestically,
"You'll find someone new."
But who shall I award it to,
When it is no longer mine to give?

The eyes are blind to all else,
So how can I set my eyes upon another?
His voice resonates in my entire being,
So how can I hearken another's pleas?
No one can spurn a sin forever,
But only few are blessed with eternal love.
Ask the God himself or anyone you believe in,
They will not deny it.

Prophecy

She crushes the discolored leaves,
And drops them in the water, and stirs.
Over the fire, the water begins to heat,
And she stirs.

The bedimmed room is enveloped in its potency,
As she brings the boiling liquid to the table.
Poured into a cup, inhaled, drunk,
By the intoxicated patron.

The cup is snatched immediately,
And the pounding hearts disturb the lull.
She smirks at her unsuspecting patron.
Her eyes widen and water.

Dismayed, the patron walks out of the door,
To the sunny suffocating street.
He rushes, head-down, to his haven.
He rummages his pockets for the keys,
And finds them.

He hurries into the house, and strips.
He breathes, deeply.
He sees a decrepit man,
Crippled. Dependent. Addicted.
Could she be right?

He grips it in his hand,
And admires its beauty.
Before he had a chance,
Abrupt gunfire ends his tale.
She was right.

I shall still sing his song.....sweet intoxication of love..............

I face the world with a smile,
No one knows what is hidden inside.
They see only happiness,
They cant see the tears I've cried.

When I am alone I hurt,
Because here I do it well.
In front of all the watchful eyes
My heaven turns to hell.

The judge and jury awaits me,
Everyone has a say.
In a life that hangs suspended
For yet another day.

Who are they to judge,
If what I've done is right or wrong?
In the end I gave him up,
But inside I'm singing his song.

I don't know how to find,
The strength I thought I had.
If only I could play tough,
It wouldn't be so bad.

They say that life goes on,
And someday I'll smile again.
But, how do they know what I feel
Without ever feeling my pain?

I saw him just the other day,
And his smile is still the same.
He looked at me so sweetly,
But he played the silent game.

I wonder if he will love me forever,
The more I ask, the more I do not know.
He may move on some time, perhaps,
But I shall still sing his song.

What is it?

Window panes come crashing down
Amidst the tears and pain
The hope vanishes into the air.
Up above through twilight
Shadows cast across the floor,
Reflections of the past.
Trembling thoughts of a lonely soul.
Dwelling deep within it is
A mystical sense of reality,
Captured by the craze,
All in bewilderment.
Creatures of the dimness,
Chattering in the darkness.
Everything slows in stillness.
What is this I see?

I am not worth it any more

I've been pushed down so many times,
I feel this time will be the last.
As I lay here fading quickly,
My thoughts are invaded by memories of my past.
The shame and rejection is overwhelming.
As I lay here on the floor,
I have no strength to get up,
I'm not worth it any more.

Strangely Straightforward...

Today I left something behind at home,
As I walked along the winding cobbled streets.
Today my eyes did not deceive me,
As I looked into his eyes and saw only lust.
Today, I felt strangely calm, yet cold somehow,
As the sun shone upon our faces.
What was it about today, that I was so different?
Oh right, I left my heart at home!

He calls it the path to happiness,
He says that is how life should be.
But what about the overwhelming emotion,
That can bring you to the brink of painful ecstasy?
Yes there is betrayal in life,
But does that mean we forget we have a heart?

Remorse

I miss the touch of your skin,
And way you make me give in.
I miss the softness of your lips,
And touching them with my fingertips.

Let the salty tears not fall,
There is no use in it at all.
You will not hear my painful cries,
You will call them foolish and unwise.