Monsoon

The weather speaks to me,
The monsoon has come.
Will the rains wash away the sins,
With their melodious hum?

Nightmares increase, and the body burns,
From the crimes inflicted upon it.
Crimes now, once they were love,
And so easily with me you split.

It was torture last night,
I am covered in your remains.
And fits take over my body,
I resist cutting my veins.

Look at the mess you left,
I can't sleep without pills.
Will I ever cross these hills?

This Day

If I survive this day without hearing your voice,
I know I shall finally have a reason to rejoice.

The very life seems to be sucked out of me,
But I cannot fall to temptation so easily.

The flesh burns from memories of days passed,
I must survive this day in order to last.

My sweet, sweet love, I pray you are well,
In your thoughts I shall forever dwell.

Angles in the Distance

I do not know what I should and should not feel,
I'm confused and distraught and I cannot conceal
Anymore that I have no clue
About where I'm heading off to.

Hope has not left me and heals the sting every time,
The sting of evil unleashed by Pandora's crime.
Each day is longer than the previous one,
But I am alive and not yet undone.

Inspired by Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you.
I wish nothing but the best for you and your career.

But you'll never find another version of me,
So perverted like me,
She would never go down on you in a theater.

She won't speak eloquently,
But she'll have your baby,
I'm sure she'll make a really excellent mother.

'cause the love that you gave
That we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to try again, no

And every time you will speak her name
Will she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you'll still be alive!!


And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know!!

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.
It was a slap in the face, how quickly you believed the lies,
Did you really think I was such a slut?

'cause the love that you gave
That we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to try again, no

And every time you will speak her name
Will she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you'll still be alive!!

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it.
Of all the sacrifices I made,
This will be the biggest one,
I hope you feel it...you'll feel it one day,

And I won't be there to remind you,
Of the mess you left when you went away,
You'll regret why you chose to deny me,
You'll bear the cross I bear now,
You, you, you oughta know,
THAT I LOVE YOU AND PRAY THIS DAY NEVER COMES, BUT YOU DO...BACK TO ME...

Smiling Still

I vomit at the thought of other men,
I haven't eaten anything since when,
Since when I have forgotten now,
I wish I could sleep somehow.

Masochist, they called me today,
Severe rejection triggers it they say.
They gave me something orange to drink,
Said it would make me sleep and not think.

I dont know how i'm still living

This is the only way to survive,
All other means have failed.
In the dark, I'm barely alive,
Too many Gods I have hailed.

I seem to have no will to live,
Yet my time hasn't come.
Death keeps on calling to give
My life but I'm not done.

Oh, what will anyone lose,
If you are mine again?
How can fate blindly refuse,
When there is all to gain?

I Begin to Wonder

I wonder because there isn't enough work,
Twenty four hours are too much of a perk.

I wonder if you've begun to hate me,
And are losing hope of living happily.

I wonder if you think it was too good to be true,
And if you've finished saying your final adieu.

I wonder if you think we can never be together,
And the love-making will remain a memory forever.

I wonder if you think I can never make you happy,
Even if I hug you tight and make the face of a puppy.

I wonder if you think I'll always make you question why,
Even if I let you lie in my lap and tickle your hair as you sigh.

I wonder if and I wonder why,
I will ever not weep and cry.

I'll try to live without hearing your voice,
And try not to see you without your choice.
But once in a while, just show me that,
That you're okay where ever you're at!

Spare Me- a reason why the last word is missing and it isnt to maintain rhyme!!

aah, it burns, your lashes are fierce,
i writhe and scream in pain.
i have not yet been slain,
i shan't die in vain.

aah, the lashes are so cruel and relentless,
the grooves are stained with blood.
i fall to the ground with a thud,
vomiting bloody cud.

aah, stop the lashes and have mercy,
the pain is beyond compare,
betray you, how i dare?
Spare.....

Wish i was an angel

I wish I was an angel,
In this strange world.
Who writes this fable,
I can never know.

The lustrous bites from your soft lips,
Are like branding on my skin.
And then you unleash the wrathful whips,
"I can't come back to you".

Anger helps me stay alive,
There is too much guilt to live with.
There is no sense to derive,
From all of this madness.

The anger makes the scars more dark,
And I scratch it until the blood flows.
God strike me down if I do it to spark,
Some sense of pity or sympathy.

That's why I wish I was an angel,
With pure and fair skin that glows.
No mistakes scarred upon their label,
But lacking my psychotic love fable!

The Mists

What are those mists that trample the soul?
Love isn't scarce, only one to give its dole.
Each day is a battle against the temptations,
Lasting an eternity, tormented by sensations.

I inject you in my memories to get that high,
So that I can write and never question why.
One week has passed and eternity lies ahead,
But I have much to conquer before I go to bed.

read between the lines and behind the words

Dark sarcasm and louder noises are in play,
Shrieks and cries cannot scare them away.
I wash the stain till my skin peels away.

Grovelling in the most squalid onslaught,
Smothered in snot and skin made taut.
Amidst their anger and hatred I'm caught.

If you go looking for something,
You will probably find it in nothing,
As easy as it is to find a plaything.

It is not just those who commit adultery that are cheaters...

I can still feel the bite of your lips,
Damn, it drives me crazy.
Now the memories rip like whips.

I remember the feel of your body pressing against mine,
As if we were never meant to be apart.
You said it wasn't the last time, you were out of line.

Prozac

Maybe it's because I haven't had my medicines today,
Maybe it's because I'm not as strong as I normally say.

There is the sound of music flowing past,
And the drowsy high of your voice at last.

How will I ever tell you fool, how much I miss you?
I cannot feel anything but your scent and hue.

I dare not ask you to believe me or take me back,
What is wrong with me, I want my Prozac...

A day for me!

I wake up to the morning sun,
And ask him why he woke me.
He teases me even more,
And shines his rays brightly.

I feel the wind and his warmth,
And ask him why he tickles me.
He goes away for a minute,
Then blows my hair forcefully.

I yawn at the sight of stars in the sky,
And ask them why they shine for me.
They wink at me and disappear behind the clouds,
And confuse me about their identity.

I close my eyes as the moon shimmers,
And I ask him why he seduces me.
He says he is the sun of the night sky,
And like people's hearts, changes frequently.

What will happen??

Fear creeps in and chills me like the air,
Something inside me anticipates doom.
The heart beats fast and feels the gloom.

What is it that is going to happen?
Give me the vision, and let me see,
Something's not right, hope seems to flee.

Difference between dreams and accomplishments is purely desire??? is that so?? well then ur mine baby...sooner or later!!

The reason may be me,
But I chuckle when you say you're going.
I'm indebted graciously,
Punishing me for some wrong doing.

God bless you I pray from my heart,
But you better watch out.
I'm going to do all that is in my part,
There is no shred of doubt.

If the difference between dreams and
Accomplishments is purely desire,
Then you're hand will come to my hand,
There's nothing to stop this inner fire.

But baby if you think,
I'm going to bug you with my calls.
You won't even link,
How fast I crossed these walls.

I will remain not a sweet memory,
Nor poison that will slowly mutilate.
I will be where ever you will see,
Successful as a Queen, that is the will of fate.

You can run and you can look away,
But you will not be able to hide.
You will see me every single day,
Unable to touch me from any side.

And even then if you still think,
That the difference between dreams
And accomplishments is purely desire.
Then you're hand will come to my hand,
Nothing will stop this inner fire.

For Eternity

The wind ruffles the leaves outside,
And the thunder threatens to show its force.
Will it rain tonight?
I've taken the bite.

The bite of bait sweet and sour,
Sour and so very confusing,
Confusing is the path ahead,
Ahead lies the path I tread,
I tread it alone as life has taught me,
Taught me that one dies alone,
Alone does one come into this world,
This world gives it company for a while,
While it takes and gives so much,
So much pain and happiness bundled together,
Together we shall be never,
Never will I lose hope,
Hope is the only way to life,
Life will end, but not my love,
My love will stay like angels from above.....

Love is Blind

There is love and there is no love,
The way is uncertain now.
Something says from above,
It'll never be the same anyhow.

I am not going to sit and beg before you,
So that you believe I am telling the truth.
I know what I did and what I did not do,
And I will never waste my youth.

You have a thousand reasons to believe the lies,
But a million more to believe me.
It is up to you, whether you choose to be wise,
Love is blind, yet you think you see!

I have not lost yet, I am strong

The way is dark across the mountains,
And today was another deadly battle.
This life has been spared by doomed fountains,
The screeches are heard of innocent cattle.

The war is long and the path is dreary,
There is confusion and no guide.
The poison flows in my veins deeply,
The deadly voices call from every side.

A life must be saved and there is no easy route,
The stabs still reek of blood.
Stand up again soldier, and pull up thy boot,
See there, is that Hope's bud?

I am no one to judge

I beg for mercy for what I wrote,
I was angered and writing was the only way.
I dare not insult my gracious God today,
He is much wiser than I can be any day.

I have no right to judge you sweet God,
I only have my life to improve.
Towards the future I slowly move,
A better person I am to prove.

Angered

How ruthlessly he says he can never be happy,
Have pity on her beggared body.
Cut, bruised, poisoned, tortured and filthy,
And for the rest of her life she will feel guilty.

He has no mercy to give this child,
No, his principles will not let him.
I accept your decision for I am defiled,
Be happy always, I sacrifice my happiness for yours.

Whirlpool

What am I grateful for you ask?
In his shadow alone I bask.
For every touch and every kiss,
For every moment I now miss.

What I do cherish in my friends?
There's only one for me who bends.
But now he is partly lost to me,
And I cherish our every memory.

What is it I want to achieve in life?
He's the goal for which I bear strife.
Does that answer your questions, fool,
Run before you're trapped in the whirlpool.

Rhymes

In the darkest distance of the night,
The music flows upon my ears.
My eyes are shut but you burn bright,
Your scent mingles in my tears.

A smile fades in at the idea of moving on,
How ridiculous it is even to think!
Upon you my love I dote, upon you I fawn,
These mischievous eyes give a silent wink.

I love you, I love you.
Let me say it a million times,
It is you that I pursue,
With these never-ending rhymes.

Try not to get bored

So I realized why my writing wasn't so good yesterday. I was writing for the sake of writing even though it was about you. I was overwhelmed with emotion which is a must if I must write well, but another must for writing well is feeling the cause which I am writing for.

I think I've told you all enough about my life, so no judgment or sympathy needed also. But what I want to write today is about initiatives. What I find has helped me the most in life, is my willingness to take new initiatives. As Mountain Dew claims, "Darr ke aage jeet hai", I truly believe that if I'm not taking up this opportunity, then someone else will. I've seen more outspoken people take the positions I deserved despite the fact that I knew I could do a better job. However, that happens very rarely. It is absolutely essential to get along with people as far as you can, and even at times when it feels like your boss or best friend is intolerable and too irritating to bear or bringing to much negativity around you, you've got to take the INITIATIVE to make things better. It is tough, but what in life worth having isn't tough?

Sometimes my sloth stops me and I conclude that "Ignorance is bliss". But then sooner or later I realize that I've missed out on an opportunity. For example, I may have the opportunity to meet someone and I may be exhausted beyond compare. In this case I may choose to visit the person or go home and sleep. I've tried both options, and personally I feel, the first option is always much more satisfying.

Next comes the issue of Ego- man's best friend and greatest enemy. It is the thing which helps us stick to our principles and work hard to achieve what others say we cannot. However, it also destroys us when we let it become an issue of pride. There is a stark difference between pride and ego. The Roman Catholic Church counts pride as one of the seven deadly sins. However, Aristotle differentiated pride from vanity and concluded very wisely that,

"It is hard to be truly proud; for it is impossible without nobility and goodness of character. "

Today, ego has many meanings. It could mean one’s self-esteem; an exaggerated sense of self-worth; or in philosophical terms, one’s self. However, according to Frued,

"The EGO represents what may be called reason and common sense, in contrast to the ID, which contains the passions ... in its relation to the ID it is like a man on horseback, who has to hold in check the superior strength of the horse; with this difference, that the rider tries to do so with his own strength, while the EGO uses borrowed forces"

So I guess the only thing I can conclude is that keeping both definitions of pride and ego in mind, it is absolutely essential that one achieves what makes one happy and gives one not only a short-term sense of happiness, but something that can be sustained in the long run. One can never say that one has achieved enough. One can say that one has achieved some or most of what one planned to achieve, but then again if there is a target, there is an end; and if there is an end, then there is not much to be truly proud or egoistic about.

You might want to read the previous paragraph again and ponder over it for a while, but the essence is that; and I am not preaching here, but one can never be truly proud or egoistic because there is always more than can be achieved. But then again, I could be too ambitious. Some people say that there exist people who are happy with what they have. These are two types of people, one who are restricted by their risk-adverseness and therefore cannot achieve more; and the second type are those who cherish what they have and are grateful for it. While it is acceptable to be the second type at the end of the night, before one goes to bed:- to be grateful for what we have for it is more than what someone else has, but this should not restrict us from being driven to achieve more.

I guess, in simple words what I am saying is that if you aim for the stars, at least you'll touch the sky! But even here, don't aim for the stars, aim for nothing at all- because there is should be no target, for then if you achieve the target you will think you have achieved enough for the day. Confused? Just remember - aim for infinity- because infinity is not defined, and infinity never ends.

So well this is what I am motivated to write till now. I have several other ideas, but when I feel more strongly and more clearly about them, I shall write about them.

Part II - Prose Attempts

Fuck off morons who tell me to not think about him! But I'm not a looser, I'm a winner- a goddamn winner is what I am and I cannot bear to loose. It is perhaps why I get myself into such messes all the time, this need of mine to do whatever it takes to win-ends justify the means type attitude. But I'll be honest with you (whoever is reading this), it hasn't worked out. If I play, I end up being played, so I've given up on the games which require me to go against what I believe in.

All of us play mind games in some way or the other everyday: giving a rude reply to someone making a joke to show that we're sporty and not weak, being courteous and nice to someone who could help us in the future etc etc. But I am learning where to draw the line. It is no black and white line, but my instincts guide me on my 'lofty quest'. What I feel now is that I want to build my life, not destroy it in love, because there is no bigger insult to love than being destroyed by its overwhelming power. They say, our greatest weaknesses are also often our greatest strengths. This is precisely what I am trying to accomplish here - turning my weakness of needing that special guy in my life, to use the moments we spent together as a motivation when I am tired and exhausted from work. Happiness can be shared with everyone, and so I share it with whomever I can find.

I have grown particularly attached to my mother because of all the honesty and she seems completely friendly, almost sly; perhaps because in my condition she cannot afford to express anger. But whatever be the reason, I think that she knows that I will not destroy my career in love because somehow I'll find a way with luck and lots of hard work. Because as much as Avi means to me, and as low as I am willing to degrade myself to get him back, I will not do so. I want the respect, not the respect I have because I'm in a great college and course and internship, but because I fulfilled my destiny of being successful and I did it despite all the accusations of snobbery and wickedness. It may seem like avenging, but you only avenge what you lost. In this case I am building respect, not trying to gain the respect I once had, because I did not have real respect. Like Ellsworth Toohey in The Fountainhead, I was a mere puppet of the people I was trying to control.

People come and go and each one serves their purpose. Shakespeare was a very wise man, or atleast a very good cut-copy-paste writer; because people come into our lives to teach us something and then they leave. Then, there are the main characters, that the story revolves around. It is not the same as using people and throwing them away because you never know when the person's part is over. Am I mad to think that this is some giant and complex play designed by God- oh one minute, isn't Abhinav my God-God (Godmother/Godfather- guardian).
So this means that Abhinav has already made the decisions. If you have seen the matrix, you might follow this next bit.

Each one of us have already made the choices we were meant to make in our lifetimes and we are merely watching our physcial bodies inact the roles that were laid out for us. We are our own directors and script writters.

I shall try and formalize this into mathematical logic tomorrow- use some of the economics I studied in second year for something unconventional.

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

So I write tonight, and someone asks me not to write a poem about you. Secretly I'm snickering inside and wondering what a fool this person is. How can I not write about you. I thought about God today. What is God if not a source of strength and inspiration, a savior that makes miracles happen and someone you can look to when nothing seems to make sense or everything falls apart.

Call me stupid, cheesy, cliched or whatever you want. But aren't you the closest thing to God I've ever known? God's fight, they get angry, they punish, they forgive and love. So why not you then?

You inspire me to live each moment, you give me strength to make the hard decisions; when you touch me or I hear your voice, the emotions I feel are like miracles- I may have a headache but it disappears, I may feel like I'm dying and then I feel alive, I may feel that no one can love me despite my mistakes and I find you! You get angry and you forgive and you definitely love me-So what are you dear, if not my God!

And I am just another mortal creature waiting for my Judgment Day. Because, when that day comes, I will either be sent to heaven or hell. Heaven will be the life we have together in which there will be both tough times and easy times, but we'll have each others' hands to hold and arms to crawl into. Hell will be you sleeping with some beautiful woman, drinking and smoking yourself to doom, with memories of what life could have been if I was different. Hell will also mean me being raped every night by some stranger who shall wonder where all the scars on my body have come from, because I made sure the night before I thought I was leaving this world for good that there were enough signs on my body to mark me as your property and only yours.

Here I go again with the pessimism. But do not worry, I am not hurting myself anymore, I know you'll have a miracle to protect me even if I do, so there is no point in even trying. I think what provokes me the most is the loneliness. I read several suicide attempt stories, the real ones, not just American teens who couldn't deal with the 'plastic life'; stories of loss of child by a parent or a loved one. It is guilt to quite an extent, but I fully understand that I cannot take it back. What I feel is that my death will be just as beautiful as my life with you because I will truly get to live the moments again before my brain shuts down. And every time what stops me is the 'what if'. Every time I think that if we get back together life could be so beautiful and different, challenging, but something to be cherished forever.

Other guys don't interest me, in fact most of the times I am repulsed by complements (unless they are from my boss about my work). I have become cynical about what guys want, I guess I always knew that, but I think I've understood that in order to get the power I want, I do not have to give them what they want so that I can control them later on. I think I have understood that simplicity and honesty is extremely important and to put a smile on someone's face or being successful at work is much more satisfying than winning mind games. Off course, seductive games played on my husband do not fall into this category (wink wink).

So have I written enough? Or do you want to know more? Maybe after some more emotions overwhelm me...

LA BOO

I noticed you lick your lips upon my drama,
I kissed you passionately and vice-versa.

You held my hand as it shivered in fear,
You hugged me tightly as I came near.

I noticed you left with a smile on your face,
I did not leave in utter disgrace.

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much,
You gave me an opportunity to retouch!!

You're Mine!

I did not write yesterday,
And you want to know why?
I promised I'd stop writing,
The day you came back to me.

But even if for an hour it was,
I got to touch you and look into your eyes,
You're going to be mine I know for sure,
I could see the look in your eyes.

You love me, but you need time,
I'll be okay, I'll be fine.
But you're going to be mine!

Your bitch I will agree to be,
But you are going to love me madly.
You are mine and you cannot forget that,
You will come back to me I know that!!

If I stop writing, I will die for sure,
It's impossible to take the torture any more.

The paths crumble in front of me,
There are no other ways I can see.

This boy means the world to me,
And I got drunk and kissed his enemy.

Why should he forgive me now?
I've tried to kill myself any how.

But each time, I see the hope,
Of us together and I'm able to cope.

I've taken medical help and studied alot,
I got the job I hoped for and sought.

I've cried till I fainted and saw death,
But not touched alcohol or a cigarette.

I've held on repeating your name like a boon,
Praying that you will come back to me soon.

I came to give you a present from 500 kilometers,
And you still probably classify me among other cheaters.

I have no where left to go from here onwards,
It's always the girls' fault, the boy is never looked towards.

Yes I was in that room with him, drinking,
But he was the one you called brother,
He was the one who your brother knew for eternity,
How could I know he would take advantage of me?
You were the one who wanted him for a room,
And said I could ask for his help and now you loom,
Over how I betrayed you, heck I lied,
But when I'll die, will you be satisfied?

I know what I did was stupid and wrong,
Call me slut or for whatever you long.
But your wasting two lives by parting ways,
I love you and I've loved you always.

I can live for you, I can die for you,
But I cannot live away from you.
I meant it when I said it,
Every breath is torture without you.

Too numb for words..

I'm sorry I get angry,
It helps me stay alive.
I love you I miss you,
I'll wait for you to arrive.

When will you come back to me,
I'll write until I die.
There is no other way I can see,
Life goes by and by.

Anew

Sometimes I feel angry and think that you are wrong,
I've seen twice the life you have yet I'm alive and strong.
Do you not love me in the way that I love you?
Because I'd forgive you in an instant if I were you.

I'm not just saying that because I'm the one at fault,
But why are you destroying two lives if it can be stopped?
Let go of your self pity for there are others with more to mourn,
Make something of yourself instead of being so torn.

You say you need time to forget it all,
Well baby I was molested as a kid and I've moved on.
It wasn't my fault then and my goddamn parents betrayed me,
But I still live with them in peace and harmony.

Stop hurting me, I know I hurt you,
But for God's sake move on and let's start anew.

How do you resist me i wonder

How do you resist me I wonder,
Because I cannot do the same,
It may sound like a bluff,
But I'd take you back again.

I do not ask you to do as I would,
But maybe I just hope that you will.
You are so strong from inside,
I'm still climbing to the top of the hill.

I miss you so badly, I cannot breathe,
Where is that damn prozac?
I fumble about for it and find it,
Will it stop this heart attack?

Don't forgive and forget- but overlook...

I cannot help but wonder,
If you will ever read these words.
I know you can never forgive,
But learn to overlook my blunder.

Your high keeps me going all day long,
And in the nights I writhe in desperation.
I wish I could hold you in my arms,
And put you to sleep with a song.

I am cursed to write and write,
Till there is no blood left to flow.
Oh darling how can I ever tell you,
How I wish you'll forget that night.

I'm by your side...

The night always passes,
And morning does come.
Don't be like the masses,
And become so numb.

Smile with me, my love,
It will all come to pass.
We've got to get above,
Trust is not a glass.

I'll hold your hand,
And smile for you.
Let time flow like sand,
Quick and smooth.

Now let's just get ahead,
This is our chance.
Confront all your dread,
We'll have our wedding dance!

My Innocent Drug

Your thoughts never escape me,
No matter where I hide.
Asleep or awake, I only see,
You standing by my side.

You're more addictive than any drug,
I can smell, taste and inject you too.
I'm ready to become a penniless thug,
Just to get a high from absorbing you.

Hate me, ask me why I did it,
And you will get no reply.
Just take me and get a hit,
I'm going to make you high.

My little innocence, come back to me,
I need you very desperately.
It will all be okay don't worry,
We're made for living together happily....

Sleeping in your scent

My skin is still sensitive from hearing your voice,
With dreamy eyes and creamy skin I rejoice.

A numbing happiness full of hope,
Will it stay, will I be able to cope?

I can hear the strumming of strings,
And see a smile as my ear rings.

Don't wake me up or I'll lament,
I'm sleeping in your scent.