Soul Family

Pain makes families from strangers and enemies...

The Long-Awaited Answer

Thank you for supporting me through this...I don't think I could have faced it without it...I would have broken down...but it is more serious than it appears... PCOS is not curable...there is no treatment...but it is manageable with very strict diet control...this means that my entire lifestyle, not just for three month or six months, but my entire life-style will change...it is a positive thing in a way...sooner or later I had to do it...I knew I would have to someday...but I didn’t expect that day to come so soon...most women with PCOS are not able to conceive naturally, and if they are, they often end up with miscarriages...it’s not stupid internet stuff, it's a fact, a reality...but some are able to conceive healthy children naturally...very few...I’m not overreacting, I am just stating a fact...

having said that, I am going to try and have a positive outlook on this...this involves a very tough change - only olive oils, salads, vegetables, fish, and skimmed milk, no chocolates, no fried food, no vegetable oil, no cheese, no burgers or pizzas, no Horlicks, no cornflakes, no cakes, no muffins, no biscuits, no preserved juice, no high-cal stuff, not a single slip, because my insulin resistance makes it very tough to lose weight, and if I don’t follow this diet strictly, I will not be able to lose weight...

the long term consequences of this not only include uterine cancer, but heart disease, infertility, diabetes and many other diseases...I did not ask for this, and I did not do anything to deserve it...but I have been given it...I am not upset, may be a little, but I have a feeling I will get over it soon...these consequences are not something I would never have faced, I might have...but they came sooner than expected...every part of me is saying, this is positive...perhaps it is, I know it is...but I am scared...I am scared of making mistakes, I am scared of slipping, I am scared that I may not be mature enough to deal with this...

it's scary, telling a 23-year old that you have a 70% chance of getting uterine cancer or not having a baby if you don't manage your weight immediately and for the rest of your life...it is something to be worried about...but I think may be God also wants me to learn a lesson...life's not easy, and I won't always get lucky...I've spent 23 years getting lucky, I was lucky to be born into a good family, I was lucky to get good marks, I was lucky to get into a good college, I was lucky to get into Accenture, and I was lucky to find my true love...and may be I am lucky to get PCOS...so I know that life is very precious...and my health is very precious...I can't play games with my body any more...or ever...

I love you Abhinav Sinha...You were there for me when I needed you the most...Thank you for that...

Atheist

It's been a very long time since I went to a temple,
But I've seen many places of worship in the hearts of men...
And I have always found more purity in their eyes,
Than the priests and hoards that flounder and bribe in vain...

We're Not Kids in Love Anymore

We're not kids in love anymore
I won't die without you,
Or lie sleepless without hearing your voice.
I'm not dumb enough to smile for you, use the words you want
In the tone you want.
Cause after a while, I'll go back to being the painting on the wall
You glance when you come home.
And after a while, I'll be the stranger on the phone
You have to share your day with,
And when you see me, I'll be the body you once knew.

Yeah, we're not kids in love anymore,
And I don't believe we're good anymore
It's a shame it had to come to this,
But if I'd known better than this,
We'd have been the one's to be
But you're just you and you can't see me,
Cause we're not kids in love anymore,
No, we're not kids in love anymore.

You let me think I messed up your life,
And that we could have had it all
And that you could ever feel the madness
And pain and desperation I felt in longing for you.
Your hands pulled me up every time I drowned in a silent abyss
Oh wait, that wasn't you, that was me.
You played it well, but I can see through you, baby,
Loneliness and the thought of losing it all
Makes winners from losers and lovers from cynics
And that's what's going on here, I know.

Cause, we're not kids in love anymore,
And I don't believe we're good anymore
It's a shame it had to come to this,
But if I'd known better than this,
We'd have been the one's to be
But you're just you and you can't see me.

And since we're not kids in love anymore,
Let's not kid ourselves for love's sake anymore,
Be at peace and do the job you know you have to do
It's not me you want, listen to your mind it's time to go
Cause we're not kids in love anymore
No, we're not kids in love anymore.

No, we're not kids in love anymore.

Fear

Your deepest fear is not that you will fail. Your innermost, darkest, denied, and buried fear is that you will not be able to get back on your feet after you fall. If you’re asking yourself who you are, you know the answer. No one can give you the answer of reassurance. It’s your belief, your own selfish belief, that you are brilliant, talented, and worthy, that makes you so uncomfortable. After all, brilliant, talented, and worthy people don’t fail, do they? Your small mistakes are the dribbles of a ball that every legendary player repeated a million times before the ball obeyed his every command. Playing small does no good for anyone, or the world. Disbelief is only overcome by belief, not by reassurance. You were born to manifest the beauty and grace of the mind, soul, and body. Liberate your mind from your fear. Believe, and you will realize that you knew you could win all along.

Be silent pain, tick tock tick tock
My phone's on silent, I don't want calls from you
From having everything, and then,
Back to feeling as vacant as vacuum.
Be silent pain, tick tock tick tock
I could boast of all the things I have
But you oh so break me like a first love
Be gone. And another record isn't going drown you away.
I always thought it's me that did it, so tell me, is it?
Be silent pain, tick tock tick tock
I don't like the words you sing
I can't be addicted to your melody anymore
Give me back, to me
Be silent pain, tick tock tick tock.

Pen

I pull out the old pen from the dusty crevices

A rough nib scratches against the yellowed surface of parchment

Croaking words of false wisdom in the dark hours of the night

And the pen declares, “Frost and flame, burn and soothe, hurt and heal”.

Dip the pen in the blackness of ink, and it craves to be put to use

To tell tales of unspoken dreams,

And dip the pen in the blackness of ink, and write on smooth pale skin

As it burns, and is kissed.

Teeth cut down to bear the pain of frost and flame,

Water heals both.

Getting Over an Idea

you're not a disease that i need to recover from... you're a great idea that didn't work for me...

Lullaby

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet little song,

Vessels full to the brim, eye lids – do not shut,

For fear of overflow.

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet little song,

Lashes – do not bat, lest the contained be unleashed,

Eyes – help me deceive.           

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet little song,

Drunk on a century old life, sight – return to reality,

They will catch you.

A Thought

we are always told that if we work hard enough, we can achieve anything...and if we do not achieve it, then it wasn't meant to be.. in my case, it's neither... but it's ok... you either move on, or you perish... and the second is not an option... 

For the rational human inside you

I wish it was easier to say good bye, and I wish I could rip my heart out and die like you.

I wish I could get you to understand that I’m no bad person who’s out to create havoc. But that’s Deepanshi for you. I can love you beyond your wildest dreams, but I’m also poison that killed an innocent guy.

There’s so much I want to feel..There’s so much I want to make you feel, but I’m wrong. I’ve always been wrong. Nothing I can say can ever fix that. You’ve filled my life with sunshine, and at times darkness. But I loved it all. I could take the pain knowing that it ended with me in your arms. If only you knew how much it meant to me.

You say that the quality of time matters and not the quantity, but then, my love, if the entire time I spend with you, you keeping saying that you have to leave soon, then how can I be free to be with you. If every time I must beg you to do things that make me happy, then how can there be quality. If you tell me that you can only miss me after two weeks, then how can I believe that I am any good. I want to make this work, believe me I do. If I didn’t, I would have gone to someone else, and spared myself these fights. But I chose to stick around.

My whole life I’ve been controlled, called a child, called immature, called an idiot. But the days I do behave normally, nobody really cares. Nobody sees that for every minute I am angry, there are a thousand minutes I am calm. And for a maniac like me, how difficult it is. But I do it, so I can see you smile, so I can see you relaxed. But it’s not enough.

You always say that no matter what you do, I am never satisfied, but I could say the same to you. Perhaps I have very high expectations. But I though that in a relationship, you work together to solve problems.

If you could feel the pain, if you could feel the confusion, the torture that the voices in my head put me through, you’d know that I’m not faking. Just once in my shoes, just put yourself in my shoes for once, just once. You’d know it is a battlefield in there. But I like to keep it to myself. Deal with it by myself. There are good days and there are bad days. Every good story talks about troubles and how people overcome them. And people undermine them all the time. But the sheer drive and self-belief keeps them going. It’s what keeps me going. Knowing that I’ll have to fail a thousand times before I succeed…That I’ll have to face my anger a thousand times a day, before I can control it. And most of the time I do. But I cannot win alone all the time. I need your support in overcoming my weaknesses. Isn’t that what two people do? Help each other out. I needed your help for when I fail. But if your attitude is that my problems are my own, then why do I even need you? Why should anyone ever need anyone by that logic?

But people do need each other, to catch each other when they fall. To say, it’s okay, I forgive you, let’s try again. And I thought I’d done that. But I’m not perfect. I’m a creep, who just feels lost in your shadow. And when I see the light, it blinds me, overwhelms me.

I am a mess, no doubt. I am an idiot, no doubt. I cause you trauma, no doubt. But I’ve never felt so awed by a person as much as I feel for you. I feel inadequate most times. I feel insecure. When reciprocation is begged for, it loses its value.

It’s like asking someone, please love me. It defeats the purpose. We are all on paths to finding our true selves and true happiness and we often overlook the simplest happiness that lie in front of us, staring at us in the face. Pick me…choose me…love me…

The greatest mistake in life you can do is not give justice to yourself. You’ll probably say that by being with you, I am not giving justice to myself. But I always think that we can work it out, because I still believe, yes I still believe in happy endings. If you say you don’t then you’re lying. We struggle, we die, we are reborn, everyday, to make ourselves happy. If we didn’t believe it was possible, that even the unreachable, the unattainable thing called happiness can be reached, can be attained, then why would we put ourselves through the torture everyday? Why not just give up?

See my sense, feel my pain. Insecurities, I believe can only be healed with love, not anger. I have seen it. I have not seen much in life, but I have seen this. Anger and frustration cannot lead to us becoming stronger. Kindness, affection and support from loved ones get us through the darkest hours of the night. Self loathing and anger will only help on certain nights.

Don’t pick me, if you don’t think I’m worth it. Don’t choose me if you think there’s someone better out there. Don’t love if you don’t think I deserve it. I will never again tell you that I am the one for you. I will never again tell you how cute and intelligent I am. I only did it earlier because I thought you need to fight for the one you love. But if the person does truly love you, then he should come to you independently. So I will never tell you why you should be with me. The only thing I will say is that I tried. I really did. And I hope you believe me when I say that I genuinely, with all my heart tried to give you support and love every single time you needed it. You are the final judge.

I wish I could make things okay, but I cant. I wish I could make you live again, but I can’t. But I will not come in the way of your peace and happiness. I will not. It’s torture knowing that I tried and failed. But I have to face it. I have to face my darker side and try to sort out things in my head. So here goes,

I expect too much from people. But I give much more than people expect too. This is not a good thing. It will hurt me. And maybe I should be more practical. I will try. You try your best to make me happy. But you are not in a position in life to give me what I want. Maybe you will never be. That’s okay. I did not put any conditions on getting into a relationship with you. I will be there for you whenever I can, as you have been there for me. I will be more focused. I will expect less from people. It will make me angry. It will make me upset. But there is no other way of living in this society. I will continue to try till the day I die, an old woman, who has loved and lost and found again, and lost again…a thousand times over, a million times over…it’s called the journey of life…

This is it. Pray that I find strength my love, I will need that strength every time you run on the treadmill and your body begs no more, not even one second more, in that one more second you will die…That’s how I feel when I am angry…I wish you knew, so you could forgive me…if you knew how intense it gets. God has made you the way you are – with your ambitions and rawness. God has also made me an angry person, but a loving one too.

Pray for me my love. I will pray you find whatever it is you are looking for. Forgive me someday for all the bad things I put you through…But I request that you do not make fun of this letter someday. I have written it with the utmost sincerity. That is the least a human being (not lover) can expect from another human being.  

Midnight Letters - I

Dear Abhinav,

I wanted to write to you, just to feel that you're there somewhere, breathing, moving on. I wish I could tell you how every single moment, not every day, but every single moment away from you is such a horrible torture. I know it is my fault that you left. But I tell everyone that if my love is true, you will return. Maybe after 10 years when you're fed up of your wife, you'll need a friend, and you'll give me a call...So, I'll wait. I don't look at myself in the mirror you know. My eyes are red always, puffy, empty. And you know, my skin is always dry, and I think I've forgotten what it felt like to laugh. I know you will never read this, so it's okay to be so weak. Your memories haunt me to sleep every night. But atleast the pain reminds me that you existed, that I had experienced the greatest joy of my life once upon a time. You didn't make me sad, don't ever think that. I just remember falling asleep in your arms, I knew that was completeness, true happiness. I'm working hard, working long hours - 12 - 13 hours everyday. Then I watch TV, listen to sad songs, read books and watch movies to kill time. And sometimes I speak to Aashay and I hear how happy you are. So I'm okay. I hope you get into IIM this year. I cannot see you coming back to me even if you get into IIM. But it doesn't really bother me. I'm okay. I don't want to cry any more. Just ring the doorbell...Please...Come soon. But you won't. It's okay. Good night for now.

Love,
Tami.

I Believe

I’m hoping someday, you’ll land up on my doorstep
And everything’s going to be okay.
There’s no hope, they say,
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I know
And all I need, is to believe
And I believe, they know I believe, in happiness.

Happiness

The decision to be happy is a lonely one to make, 

Let all of those complexities fall and break.

Close your eyes, the world is a happy place, 

It's not deceit, I just chose a hopeful face.  

Moonlit Night

Dark secrets hurriedly stashed away
Into the abyss of the silent night
Whispers of passion murmured feverishly
Yet the ravenous heart gets no respite.

Gentle fingertips descend upon velvety skin
Like the moon rays upon the glittering grass,
And as the wind caresses the dewy flowers,
I realize the sand has run out in the hourglass.

I beg for more till my breath runs out,
But the devil is not renowned for his mercy.
Yet those enticing eyes can hypnotize
And evaporate my fear of petty mockery.

So I set off on my path begrudgingly
Gazing back at him hoping for an invitation
Pleading for his sinful embrace once again
Knowing I shall never feel the satiation.

And suddenly his warm breath makes me shiver
As he is brutally close to my tingling skin
The wind teases us with its whistles and says
A moment so painfully sweet can only be sin.

We run for cover in the forest so deep
Even the moon in all its glory cannot see
The fire and ice forged when souls touch
So lost in each other yet still set free.

The summons of reality are ignored shamelessly,
And the calm night is unaware of the crimes
That two wicked souls commit so audaciously
Reading to each other these alluring rhymes.

Ocean Life

It’s a busy day at the ocean surface.

Waves at work, birds hunting fish, fish hunting other fish.

You think that’s all that’s there,

But did you know there’s life deep down, moving on.

Nobody’s there to really bother

And a few explorers have ventured into the depths

But they took what they wanted and left. 

Open Eyes

I want to write,

Words, come.

Sun, rise, it is night.

I am no friend, no saint

And I can count the days and nights and hours

Which have crawled on since I lost you to the day.

And now that you’re out without protection,

The sun will draw on your undying life and give all life.

But not me.

I have turned away from my own sun.

And in ice castles I listen to your voice in the sweeping wind

As it touches my skin.

I am in two minds,

They tell me it is in my nature.

Laughable, nature, I make it.

Promises to keep – for them,

For whom do these flowers bloom?

For whom do these eyes blink?

I see you in front of me, I close my eyes, capturing you,

And I open my eyes to see that you were never there.

What can I say of love that has never been said before?

Close your eyes, think of blue seas in the distance, plateaus closer, green fields even closer, the blue sky so close you can touch the clouds.

Drink this sight.

Then, imagine, believe, you are blind whenever you open your eyes.

My friend, now you know what love is.