Getting over him

I have a sinking feeling every time I think of a trip we had together. All my trips have some memory of him - Europe, Coorg, Sri Lanka and Cambodia. There are hardly any trips I did without him, and those that I did, he was linked - I remember speaking to him over the phone.

It's starting to make sense though - the fact of the matter is, I can be upset with society for his parents being the way they are. But the problem wasn't his parents, the problem wasn't me. The problem was in him all along. He never could stand up for himself. It wasn't about standing up for me against his parents, it was about standing up for himself. He never did that in front of his friends, that's why he didn't have any. People saw him as a joke, and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful way. People knew he didn't have a personality of his own, he was always trying to fit in, and do things to impress people. And I know that deep inside, because I told him this so many times - we fought about it too.

Even if we were together - and this is going to change - even if he were, we wouldn't have worked because he would have always been swayed by others and never really held his own. Would I have ever been truly happy? Now let's address the main issue - why do I want to be with him? After what he did, it was not bad to me (I mean it was) but the larger issue remains, how can one be with a person who doesn't stand up for themselves. I do not miss him, I miss the feeling of being loved. And as scared as I am of never feeling that way about anyone ever again - I think it's more important to realize that I would never have been happy that a man would always look towards others for approval and guidance rather than have an opinion of oneself. It was great to feel needed, to feel respected by him - but that was an illusion. Inside he was insecure and unsure and he reached out to others, not because he was a strong, independent person.

He was good to me. And it hurts that he is no longer in my life. I cannot deny that. It may continue to hurt for some time. And I have lost 3 years of my life to him. But what about the next 30? These 3 years will seem like nothing for the next 30 years of my life. Time is not running out - it is okay to get married late, it is okay to have children late - that is one thing you will not regret. But what you will regret is continuing to feel pain for someone who didn't see your pain. You can hurt like hell thinking about all your trips with him, but he chose to walk away from all of those. After 1 day. After 1 day. All the talks we had that we would try for months - he gave up after 1 day. Does a person like that deserve the love you gave to him or the pain you feel for him?

It wouldn't have worked (it's not sour grapes) - just think, forget that you loved him for a second. Just imagine today, if you met this person who couldn't stand up for himself, for what he wanted and claimed he loved - would you want to go out with him? No, right? Then why are you still hung up on him. The sadness will pass. The pain will pass. But I need to let him go.

I need to realize that he wasn't the one. He wasn't. The one doesn't give up on what he loves. Like you, you're hurt, you're bruised, but you haven't given up on love. You've had a lot of crap thrown at you - PCOD, denied promotions, deaths, crazy parents - you're still here. You're still moving on with your life. That's strength. And that's something he never had and never will.

Accept that he was not right for you. Acknowledge the pain you feel. He didn't love you, he cared for you. But it is over now. And you don't want him back. Even if he says he's changed. What he did cannot be undone. What his parents are cannot change. He is not the one. He was just something that came and went. Your life is not over. It has just begun.

Stuck

I can write that he was worthless. I can tell myself that I lost nothing valuable. But it is still so hard to do the things that were so normal for us - like watching Thor Ragnarok - because he asked me if I had seen it when he asked me to come back to him. Or going to the spa. Why this self-destructive pattern? Why do I feel so alone and unloved?

Will the pain ever go away? How? And when?

Where are all the normal guys?

Date 1: Super cute, calls me Wilma from Scooby Doo, plays with my hair; switched from a great start-up to a failing random one with 3 people and makes no money

Date 2: Smart, cute, fun to talk to, rich, BCG; doesn't respond to texts for weeks

Date 3: Smart, cute, shy, loves wine, funny, KPMG; want's to Netflix and chill on 2nd date

Date 4: IIT K, IRS Officer, body of a celeb, great kisser - believes in polygamy

Date 5: Not that cute, but not that bad either, BCG, funny, easy to talk to, gentlemanly; hacks ex's account and sends her chats about bitching about 10 guys to entire campus

Date 6: Loves all the right movies, 3 month exchange, knows everything about everything, Deloitte, earning right, ready to commit; calls a mojito and mojeeto

Date 7: Best friend at work, my confider for everything, tall dark and handsome, amazing kisser; confesses 2 weeks before he's going away forever to the US that he loves me

Just my luck?

Confronting Feelings

Whenever I look in the mirror, I imagine the way he looked at me. What he would have thought of my over-sized nose, or my dark lips. Perhaps, because when I see me through my eyes, all I see is a horrid ugly face that no one could ever love.

So terrified am I of myself that I often fear meeting new people - how they make me feel like I do not matter or that I will never be beautiful enough. See, the thing about being with a Leo (or the thing about being with him) was that he made me feel beautiful. It was such a contradiction to feel like he wanted to change everything about me to the fact that he loved me exactly the way I was. He wouldn't let me eat non-vegetarian food, but he would reward me with the dearest affection a girl could ever ask for. He was on his phone all the time sometimes but he always held my hand when we walked and kissed me for no reason in public. He seems so so far away right now, even when I see pictures of him - it feels like he's a million miles away. It feels like I never really knew him - he was a stranger. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that no one will ever touch me like him, or look at me the way he did. But the hope that it this is not true, helps me to survive.

In every guy I meet, I seem to be looking to fulfill me the way he did - with his morning wake up calls, with his random "babuuuuus". And I find myself telling my mind that that is all past and it is not right - after all, each guy will love you in his own way, a better, healthier way. I hope that writing this, is like sucking the poison out of my veins and will help me cleanse my body of it. Boy, what a job he did on me right. Tore me limb to limb.

The issue, is like all issues - daddy-related. Daddy never paid enough attention, daddy always said do this do that. Daddy always rewarded for good behavior. Deep down inside, I'm waiting to break - for a guy who takes up that role. I think that is the one of the biggest reasons, or maybe the sole reason why I fell in love with him. He gave me the approval I needed, he commanded me, possessed me and I was his puppet. And 3 boyfriends past, I don't know how to fix that self-esteem.

Eating right - that's not happening despite my best efforts. Gyming - no. It often ends up in other health issues which we'll discuss later. Traveling solo - Kolkata, that didn't work out so great. Though I did manage to visit a monument by myself, wander the halls of a book store and go shopping (did I mention, all by myself) - I did chicken out from a lot of things. Like a quiet coffee, alone, a ferry ride and random conversations with strangers - all of which seem to come so easily to him, and many others. I wish I knew how to deal with daddy issues.

I wish I could tell my parents that my idea of happiness is not the same as their's. So much have they tormented and twisted my mind that I cannot even connect with a guy who doesn't have fancy credentials on his CV. What's the point I ask - I am over-qualified, and everyone seems to tell me that every day. The Stephen's education, the IIM degree, the Bain job, all seem like a curse sometimes. Because I'm doomed, never to find an equal to match. And he was perfect wasn't he - with his credentials. But he didn't have what mattered most - a spine.

What is the way forward? When will the catharsis happen? I am confronting my feelings. Let us see where this takes me. 

A fresh start

When I started writing this blog, I wrote it because I had come close to a very real attempt at suicide. I had taken 100 carefully selected pills of deadly barbiturates combined with sleeping pills - a thoughtfully orchestrated attempt to end a life that I believed no longer had any meaning.

9 years later, I have battled with the thought again a few times. Call it courage or cowardice, I could never make another attempt like that time again. I had broken up with a boy whom I had loved and he had accused me of unspeakable things when I started writing this blog. I had vowed that I would write every single day till he came back to me - because I was so naive and believed in love. And guess what, he came back - somehow they always do. But 9 years later, 3 boyfriends past, I know the fabled 'one' will never return.

Despite about a hundred, or even a thousand reminders of him every single day - from the way I brush my teeth, to the food I eat or the clothes I wear or the phrases I say or the shows I watch, this 'one' will be difficult to get past. They say that getting over the 'one' takes 3 times the amount of time you've spent with them. I guess I'm going to be writing for a long long time.

But here's a shot, let us see. This is my attempt at writing every day, till the day I am over him.

I've been binging on the juicy, always startling, pop culture, shallow-as-it-gets series of Gossip Girl. Imagine my relief that the made up (or so we would like to believe) lives of Upper East Side, rich brats are more complicated than my own. It's a bizarre rush of serotonin to watch the predictable and non-predictable twists and turns of teenagers who's lives revolve around back-stabbing friends and enemies alike, love affairs as complicated as advanced quantum physics and off-course, heartbreaks galore - it's a nice feeling to know I'm not alone. But I guess what's most interesting about this show is the fact that there are no happy endings.

I've been struggling for a very long time, afraid of the fact that there is no happy ending for me - that my luck (as recounted by multiple pandits, horoscope websites etc. etc.) is just doomed - I am bound by fate to fail in love, in my career and in life in general. Nevertheless, like Blaire, I seem to never be able to give up the hope of finding true love - despite her ex-boyfriend sleeping with her best friend, current boyfriend sleeping with his step sister who he tried to date rape 3 years ago, ex-boyfriend dating her current best friend, losing admission to Yale like she wanted since she was a little girl, not having a single friend in college yada yada yada... Yes, like Blaire, I'm not giving up on love. And like Blaire, I believe my life will still be in my control, and not in the movement of Venus and Saturn and Mars like the soothsayers would have me believe.

And when I'm down, and Facebook walls are covered with friends, juniors, seniors getting married to the loves of their lives or to strangers their parents selected - I remind myself, what's the worst that could happen, I'll have to wait - for a year, for two years, for ten years - but I will find love again, and I will not succumb to the pressures of people who would push me to do otherwise, even if it is my parents that brought me into this life. I would rather see them cry every day, than succumb to marrying a stranger I do not love. Because, I decide my life - I decided to live, despite pain, despite heartbreak. And no one can take that decision away from me - even if they claim they love me. My parents will pass on after a few years, like we all will, but I will never be able to look in the mirror if I succumb today. It would mean the end and destruction of my soul, to let anybody else, including the 'one' to decide what my fate will be. That is mine, and mine alone.

So here's to a fresh start. I know I'm going to be ok, some day.

XOXO,
Gossip Girl