Whenever I look in the mirror, I imagine the way he looked at me. What he would have thought of my over-sized nose, or my dark lips. Perhaps, because when I see me through my eyes, all I see is a horrid ugly face that no one could ever love.
So terrified am I of myself that I often fear meeting new people - how they make me feel like I do not matter or that I will never be beautiful enough. See, the thing about being with a Leo (or the thing about being with him) was that he made me feel beautiful. It was such a contradiction to feel like he wanted to change everything about me to the fact that he loved me exactly the way I was. He wouldn't let me eat non-vegetarian food, but he would reward me with the dearest affection a girl could ever ask for. He was on his phone all the time sometimes but he always held my hand when we walked and kissed me for no reason in public. He seems so so far away right now, even when I see pictures of him - it feels like he's a million miles away. It feels like I never really knew him - he was a stranger. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that no one will ever touch me like him, or look at me the way he did. But the hope that it this is not true, helps me to survive.
In every guy I meet, I seem to be looking to fulfill me the way he did - with his morning wake up calls, with his random "babuuuuus". And I find myself telling my mind that that is all past and it is not right - after all, each guy will love you in his own way, a better, healthier way. I hope that writing this, is like sucking the poison out of my veins and will help me cleanse my body of it. Boy, what a job he did on me right. Tore me limb to limb.
The issue, is like all issues - daddy-related. Daddy never paid enough attention, daddy always said do this do that. Daddy always rewarded for good behavior. Deep down inside, I'm waiting to break - for a guy who takes up that role. I think that is the one of the biggest reasons, or maybe the sole reason why I fell in love with him. He gave me the approval I needed, he commanded me, possessed me and I was his puppet. And 3 boyfriends past, I don't know how to fix that self-esteem.
Eating right - that's not happening despite my best efforts. Gyming - no. It often ends up in other health issues which we'll discuss later. Traveling solo - Kolkata, that didn't work out so great. Though I did manage to visit a monument by myself, wander the halls of a book store and go shopping (did I mention, all by myself) - I did chicken out from a lot of things. Like a quiet coffee, alone, a ferry ride and random conversations with strangers - all of which seem to come so easily to him, and many others. I wish I knew how to deal with daddy issues.
I wish I could tell my parents that my idea of happiness is not the same as their's. So much have they tormented and twisted my mind that I cannot even connect with a guy who doesn't have fancy credentials on his CV. What's the point I ask - I am over-qualified, and everyone seems to tell me that every day. The Stephen's education, the IIM degree, the Bain job, all seem like a curse sometimes. Because I'm doomed, never to find an equal to match. And he was perfect wasn't he - with his credentials. But he didn't have what mattered most - a spine.
What is the way forward? When will the catharsis happen? I am confronting my feelings. Let us see where this takes me.
So terrified am I of myself that I often fear meeting new people - how they make me feel like I do not matter or that I will never be beautiful enough. See, the thing about being with a Leo (or the thing about being with him) was that he made me feel beautiful. It was such a contradiction to feel like he wanted to change everything about me to the fact that he loved me exactly the way I was. He wouldn't let me eat non-vegetarian food, but he would reward me with the dearest affection a girl could ever ask for. He was on his phone all the time sometimes but he always held my hand when we walked and kissed me for no reason in public. He seems so so far away right now, even when I see pictures of him - it feels like he's a million miles away. It feels like I never really knew him - he was a stranger. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that no one will ever touch me like him, or look at me the way he did. But the hope that it this is not true, helps me to survive.
In every guy I meet, I seem to be looking to fulfill me the way he did - with his morning wake up calls, with his random "babuuuuus". And I find myself telling my mind that that is all past and it is not right - after all, each guy will love you in his own way, a better, healthier way. I hope that writing this, is like sucking the poison out of my veins and will help me cleanse my body of it. Boy, what a job he did on me right. Tore me limb to limb.
The issue, is like all issues - daddy-related. Daddy never paid enough attention, daddy always said do this do that. Daddy always rewarded for good behavior. Deep down inside, I'm waiting to break - for a guy who takes up that role. I think that is the one of the biggest reasons, or maybe the sole reason why I fell in love with him. He gave me the approval I needed, he commanded me, possessed me and I was his puppet. And 3 boyfriends past, I don't know how to fix that self-esteem.
Eating right - that's not happening despite my best efforts. Gyming - no. It often ends up in other health issues which we'll discuss later. Traveling solo - Kolkata, that didn't work out so great. Though I did manage to visit a monument by myself, wander the halls of a book store and go shopping (did I mention, all by myself) - I did chicken out from a lot of things. Like a quiet coffee, alone, a ferry ride and random conversations with strangers - all of which seem to come so easily to him, and many others. I wish I knew how to deal with daddy issues.
I wish I could tell my parents that my idea of happiness is not the same as their's. So much have they tormented and twisted my mind that I cannot even connect with a guy who doesn't have fancy credentials on his CV. What's the point I ask - I am over-qualified, and everyone seems to tell me that every day. The Stephen's education, the IIM degree, the Bain job, all seem like a curse sometimes. Because I'm doomed, never to find an equal to match. And he was perfect wasn't he - with his credentials. But he didn't have what mattered most - a spine.
What is the way forward? When will the catharsis happen? I am confronting my feelings. Let us see where this takes me.
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