Chomu,
You're probably feeling confused right now, and maybe even a little scared (though not as much as me, I assure you). No one knows how to run away from emotions and reality better than me - I've been at it since I read Harry Potter.
I didn't know what to say to you or what not to say - just because, I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking, and for the moments when I think I do, it changes to the opposite after all of 5 minutes. But I had to write this to you because I thought I would pass out if I didn't tell you (or down a bottle of whisky instead). So before you tear this and throw this away, read it, in its entirety and forgive me.
I care about you. I don't remember how or when we met. I don't even remember how or when we became friends, but I cannot forget the day it all changed (no it wasn't when you think it was). And though I don't know what it means for us and our friendship, I do know that I want you to be okay...I want us to be okay.
It was quite abrupt and unexpected when you declared "yeh sab galat hai" the first time we kissed in the rain (I don't even know how long we were there in each others arms, or how we got there). I remember it being no big deal, despite you dragging me by the hand and dropping me home without my bag or phone. I vowed never to speak of it again and I was succeeding (it was no big deal) - till you held my hand, and invited me into your arms again that offsite night. And later, it broke my heart to say to you that we could never be friends again, and the tears in my eyes weren't fake - I couldn't bear the thought of having ruined what we had - the playfulness, the affection, the laughter and warm hugs.
But like a roller coaster ride, it didn't stop, till I was upside down (mentally and physically). The night on the beach, when you said you were at peace, for the first time, it was like my own voice, giving words to long denied thoughts. And I know you weren't lying or drunk (we weren't born yesterday). But the next day, when I finally decided I couldn't pretend anymore, you retreated into a place where I couldn't follow you. I know how important one's space is, I detest people who take up mine, so I didn't insist at first.
I can guess what your fears may be (though I really don't know what they are) - that I'm older (and wiser :-P), that maybe I'm not pretty enough, that maybe I'll take away your freedom, that maybe you're not ready to be with someone, that people are going to be judgmental or not accepting of this. No one understands that better than me, because I feel the same fears and like I said at the start, I probably feel them more intensely than you do. But I realized a long time ago, the only thing more crippling than my fear, was the fact I did nothing about those fears.
So, I have to do this now. It hurts, quite a bit, not knowing what you're going through, not being able to talk to you about it - I really wish I could understand why "yeh sab galat hai". Because, in my eyes, what's really wrong is not being able to share what we really feel with each other - especially since you know I have never judged you or how you act.
There are so many years ahead of us, and I would rather not lose you by my side, but if I do, I would want you to know this - we can either move forward or we can move apart. But this place we're at, we're nowhere, and it won't last.
I won't pretend to know what's "sahi" and "galat" but I know, that if it felt right in every moment that we were together, it cannot feel right when it's all over. I'm not a thief, I don't take what's not mine.
But I felt like you were. It felt like you let yourself be mine.
Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I had to say it (before I down a bottle of whisky).
Yours,
Deepanshi
"Kabhi kabhi toh lagta hai apun ich bhagwan hai."
You're probably feeling confused right now, and maybe even a little scared (though not as much as me, I assure you). No one knows how to run away from emotions and reality better than me - I've been at it since I read Harry Potter.
I didn't know what to say to you or what not to say - just because, I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking, and for the moments when I think I do, it changes to the opposite after all of 5 minutes. But I had to write this to you because I thought I would pass out if I didn't tell you (or down a bottle of whisky instead). So before you tear this and throw this away, read it, in its entirety and forgive me.
I care about you. I don't remember how or when we met. I don't even remember how or when we became friends, but I cannot forget the day it all changed (no it wasn't when you think it was). And though I don't know what it means for us and our friendship, I do know that I want you to be okay...I want us to be okay.
It was quite abrupt and unexpected when you declared "yeh sab galat hai" the first time we kissed in the rain (I don't even know how long we were there in each others arms, or how we got there). I remember it being no big deal, despite you dragging me by the hand and dropping me home without my bag or phone. I vowed never to speak of it again and I was succeeding (it was no big deal) - till you held my hand, and invited me into your arms again that offsite night. And later, it broke my heart to say to you that we could never be friends again, and the tears in my eyes weren't fake - I couldn't bear the thought of having ruined what we had - the playfulness, the affection, the laughter and warm hugs.
But like a roller coaster ride, it didn't stop, till I was upside down (mentally and physically). The night on the beach, when you said you were at peace, for the first time, it was like my own voice, giving words to long denied thoughts. And I know you weren't lying or drunk (we weren't born yesterday). But the next day, when I finally decided I couldn't pretend anymore, you retreated into a place where I couldn't follow you. I know how important one's space is, I detest people who take up mine, so I didn't insist at first.
I can guess what your fears may be (though I really don't know what they are) - that I'm older (and wiser :-P), that maybe I'm not pretty enough, that maybe I'll take away your freedom, that maybe you're not ready to be with someone, that people are going to be judgmental or not accepting of this. No one understands that better than me, because I feel the same fears and like I said at the start, I probably feel them more intensely than you do. But I realized a long time ago, the only thing more crippling than my fear, was the fact I did nothing about those fears.
So, I have to do this now. It hurts, quite a bit, not knowing what you're going through, not being able to talk to you about it - I really wish I could understand why "yeh sab galat hai". Because, in my eyes, what's really wrong is not being able to share what we really feel with each other - especially since you know I have never judged you or how you act.
There are so many years ahead of us, and I would rather not lose you by my side, but if I do, I would want you to know this - we can either move forward or we can move apart. But this place we're at, we're nowhere, and it won't last.
I won't pretend to know what's "sahi" and "galat" but I know, that if it felt right in every moment that we were together, it cannot feel right when it's all over. I'm not a thief, I don't take what's not mine.
But I felt like you were. It felt like you let yourself be mine.
Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I had to say it (before I down a bottle of whisky).
Yours,
Deepanshi
"Kabhi kabhi toh lagta hai apun ich bhagwan hai."
