Love defined

Love is the devastation of gifting all of me to you without hope of getting you in return.

Empathic Manifesto

Long ago when I joined IIMB, I prided myself on my rational opinions and the skills I had. There were people I thought were smart, people who I thought were dumb, people who worked hard, people who didn't, the friends, and the enemies, the attention-seekers and ones who were down to earth... I thought I knew them all. But as time progressed, my opinions changed, many reversed. I realized that my notions of right and wrong were completely off, that each person's actions were so contextual and subjective and there was so so much behind the scenes that I didn't know about or bother to find out. It's so easy to judge, to say this is the way one should act or think. But it is all such bullshit.

I never knew the full story, the other person's side and I was so quick to classify the person into a stereotype that they probably never deserved. All of us have been misunderstood in life, judged, laughed at, but still we continue to pass judgement unto others like there's no tomorrow. Why?

There are friends who said they'd always be there but aren't, there is family who only mean well, there are people who abuse our trust and yet we continue to follow them. Our social need to belong seems much greater than our intellectual need to rise above meaninglessness. How are someone's eating, drinking, clothing, career or dating choices affecting people so much that they need to express their disapproval? It is so odd that as victims of discrimination in some form or the other, we blindly discriminate against others without understanding the context or rationale. When a professor makes racially-charged comments, when friends judge you for supporting someone they hate, you think why. Why would someone think this way? Have we forgotten the word empathy? Or is it sufficient to know its meaning and never apply it.

I wish people would empathize. I wish I had done more earlier, but maybe I would have never had this realization then. So much hatred against people, cultures, religions and lifestyles persists - and for what? So that some other person in another part of the world can pass their own judgements unto us? No one's values are exactly the same. It's time we stopped expecting it to be. It's ironic that I just said that.

Return journey

I have visited more places than I can count,
Dwelled in more homes than I care to recall,
But nothing compares to the joy I feel
When I return to my lost soul resting here.

There is judgement and there is pain
There is loneliness and many so vain
But there is also hope that I can find
And lose myself at the same time.

Blond Memories

Dear Blondie,

I knew I had to write this to you tonight. Because tomorrow I might not feel the same way I do. I am a drifter, I say this every time. Every time I fall in love. And every time it hurts to leave knowing there is no way forward. I am here, listening to the belle music tape that played as we made love so many times. It was magical, beautiful to be in your arms, as you kissed me, loved me. I do not know what it meant for you, but for me, it was feeling everything - the universe, beauty, pain, joy, wholeness, completeness, magic - everything all at once. I do not know if I will ever fall in love again, but I know I will never feel that way again - it was too pure. The first night, lying in your arms, knowing I was loved (even if I was delusional). Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life - as you drove me through the hills, hugged me, slapped me playfully, frowned, tickled me behind the ears, kissed my cheeks.

I was in heaven, and I cannot bring back the time we lost to life. We don't talk about it, about what will happen, about how we'll never be together again, we shouldn't talk about it. But it's okay. I never danced that way with anyone before - never fell like that before. If you could know the smiles I put on my face to make you smile, if you could know I tears I stash away so you see I am not in pain, if you could just...but no one loves a grumpy person. If you could know the ends of the world I would go to if you just asked. But alas, you don't love me, so how can you know?

My head is under water, and it hurts like hell, but I can't let go of you. You're everything I know I need and everything I've ever wanted. The feel of you - strong, protecting me. But it's not the same anymore. I don't want to be your burden, I want to be your child. How many times I have told you that I love you I cannot remember. You distract me, but you motivate me too. You were the reason I was so beautiful, you were the reason I was me. Every single inch of me craves desperately for you, but you cannot feel that - I wish you knew what that was like. I wish the pain of longing for you would stop, finish, disappear, but it's just a sharp pain inside me that doesn't go away. I could give you everything you ever needed or wanted, hold you, take care of you, love you - anything. But you never want it.

There's nothing in the world I want more than your love sometimes. Just for you to hold me and say it's going to be okay, for you to grasp my hand and say you're there, just for you to smile at me and say I'm yours. But that day won't ever come I know. You're dead inside, and I was a fool to let myself go, let myself believe. And the music is playing mockingly, telling me I can never have you or have what we had in that place ever again, but how can I give up hope. I am falling deeper and you are rising higher, higher above all these petty feelings that suffocate me every night. It is so difficult to breathe sometimes. Don't you remember how well I fit in your arms, how I fell just in time for you to catch me, how perfect your lips felt on my lips, how perfect I was in the front seat of your car, smiling as you smiled at me? Don't you remember how perfect the touch of your skin was on my skin, how you played with my hair telling me it was stupid, not caring as I sat next to you for hours being your luck, sitting on the bean bag discussing tales of life and watching movie after movie? Don't you remember how you would move forward as I moved backward, how you leaned on me and I trembled as you looked at me? Don't you remember how it felt to always have me by your side? But those times are gone, as are you, as am I. I am gone, my love. Forever away from you.

I know you won't miss me, you're not that kind. I know you won't regret, you never do. I know you'll never ask me to come back, you don't believe in that. I hope you find love, it will hurt me, but I'll be happy for you, because I love to see you happy. And I'm here writing another part of my soul for you, hoping you'll someday understand how I feel, have mercy on my poor heart. But you never promised, and I never asked, so it's okay, I don't blame you. And every time my heart breaks, I'll get up again, rise from the pain and smile again, laugh again, play again. And there may be tears on the way, but so be it. I'll drink them like the intoxicating poison that fills my veins now. I'll be happy, or at least, people will see that I am happy, even though I may be crying inside. But no one loves a grumpy person. I'm happy, so happy I felt at one with the universe - thank you for showing me that, I can never thank you enough for that feeling. It was magical, hypnotic, addictive and unforgettable. I hope you find that feeling someday with someone.

Goodbye and goodnight.

Love always,
YoDeepuSoOld

Once Again

You're born, you're hungry and scared,
You cry, you laugh, and smile and learn again.
You try to walk, you fall, you're hurt,
You cry, you laugh, and smile and try again.
You're playing a game, you lose, you fail,
You cry, you laugh, and smile and play it again.
You have a crush, you cannot woo, your heart breaks,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and try again.
You go to college, you drink and smoke, and rote a lot,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and rote again.
You fall in love, you make it work,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and love them again,
You start a job, you join the rut, put on some weight,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and go to work again.
Your friends change, you miss them so,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and make new ones again.
Your fall out of love, or in love once more,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, but know it'll never be the same again.
You're the topic of slander and lies, you take a call,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and ignore it all again.
Your job gets worse, you want it no more,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and look for work again.
You make mistakes, you do things right,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and promise never again.
You care for others, you show it to them,
You cry, you laugh, and smile as they ignore it again.
You distance yourself from the world, you feel out of place,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and try to fit in again.
You're hollow inside, you're parted and alone,
You cry, you laugh, and smile, and pretend it's alright again.

There is a world beyond, where there is life without fear, and death without pain.
You won't cry, you won't laugh, and smile, but be at peace again.

Capsule of Life

The mountains dangle from the skies
And the clouds drift slowly below my feet
Dark faces flash in and out of my sight
As the wind pulls me in every direction cruelly. 
Let go, I shout; Make it stop, I scream.

But laughs of lifeless souls poison the air.

Swaying as a lost leaf torn beyond repair,
Yellowed from the pain of parting with life
And it's such a lonely lonely planet flooded
With wraiths scavenging precious capsules of life
That are found in the hearts of souls complete.

But wraiths, they stop the heart from beating.

Wraiths, they hold the capsules in their scabbed palms
And crush them beyond the hope of love. 
They will drain the world of the softness of rain
And infect the sweet scent of fresh flowers.
They will lay to waste the gardens I played in.

But I will watch as they drown my home in decay.

I cannot see as you see, or believe as you do
The sun will blind me if I venture out in search of life.
There is no eraser to wipe away the distance
There is no thread to stitch me back to my capsule of life.
I am moving towards the shadows, wraiths waiting to take me.

But stash me away I beg, envelop me in your capsule of life.

Dying

The harsh rain falls and chisels me away,
Till nothing is left to love but decay...

Addicted to you

Don't make me breathe the air you breathe or taste the wine you drink,
I may drown in your presence forever as you do not even blink.

You are everywhere

I see rain drops falling, and feel a breeze in the air,
Don't touch me with your presence that haunts me everywhere.

Finding Me

I shouted into the mountains
But I heard no echo back.
I asked them to help me find me,
Perhaps I was just off track.

The silence was so dense
And the air ever so light.
It's true whatever they say,
There's beauty in every sight.

Millions of faceless people treading,
Finding beaten paths to a heaven.
Look at the countless yellow dots,
I've lost my breath counting just seven.

And as I leap off the cliff with no fear,
I ask the water why it doesn't engulf me.
I hit the cold water with all of life's force,
And I wake up at the airport suddenly. 

Life as it stands

You wake up in an unknown bed each morning,
The fifth alarm ringing as another warning,
You don't remember where you are, just that you're awake,
Faceless smiles greet you, eat an apple for their sake.

What does it take from you and what does it give back,
I'm a platinum flying star on some god forsaken track.
I live out of a suitcase and I don't mind it a single bit,
I wish I could stuff my home in it but it would never fit.

But there is a world I go to, where smiles are not fake,
There's love and adventure in every moment I'm awake.
It is short lived but sweet and I wouldn't last otherwise,
But I'm back to reality, time to put on the disguise.

Song of Parting

I thought I wouldn’t write, but now I think I must,
Too many memories that face the fate of dust.
I promised 15 days, and 15 moments of life,
But there’s sinking feeling, cutting like a knife.

Don’t end, don’t go, it’s too hard to believe,
That better moments can come, is just naïve.
My family, my home, I am lost now for sure,
You made this place possible to endure.

I’ll look up at the night sky, to find you afar,
But be safe and be happy, wherever you all are.
Moving on is a myth, but so is this great pain,
It’s so sweet, that I could drink it like the rain.

Petals

It's bundled up tightly, hidden from the world

The white cold hides it true colours, it's core. 

The petals, they hide each other, protecting each other,

Protecting their centre, hiding from the world.

Sweet nectar, never meant to be tasted, but so sweet,

Who can resist? And as the sun comes up,

Soft petals unfold, one by one, glacially. 

The gamut of colours revealed, bright, red veins

And sun-kissed pollen, swaying in the wind. 

Smooth petals, enveloping each other, now unsealed

Draw in innocent passers by, the pollen,

Mischievously holds on, the nectar - a sweet poison,
And petals, the eyes are enticed again,
By the promise of a mystery to be revealed,
But only with the patience of the sand trickling away in the hour glass.

The sun comes up, and the sun goes down,
The stars they have a twinkle in their eyes, smiling
As the dew drops kiss the silken petals, falling like tears of joy.
A drop remains, and the dawn, jealous of it, tries to sear it,
The wind too, shows its might, but all fail - the dew melts away slowly.
Come another dusk, another night, dew drops falling not tonight,
A vision in white, plucking the petals in the silver moonlight - right?

Night Again

Pebbles crumble softly under their feet,
See in their eyes, the sky burning in the dark,
And the diamonds raining upon the waters.
Feel her soft palm, petite wrist in your hand,
Fingers intertwining, touching, escaping yours.

The wind teases them, breathing her hair upon his cheek.
Look upon her as she turns to look into your eyes,
Her lips barely parted, the hint of an enticing smile.
Look deeper, feel her breath on your lips, her scent - venom,
But embrace the fear, they are clouds, not wisps of smoke.

She didn't know that it could happen once more - winds, stars
Conspiring to bring her back from the depths of death.
Bring your palms here, feel the touch of life, of another - of the one,
And as it rains, it caresses your lips, and your neck, hold your breath,
Feel it, feel something beating, something breathing, hold on to it.

Hear the waves crash on the shores, the sky darkens, conspiring too,
They're walking on the sand, as it softly strokes their toes,
And the world around them is dissolving into a memory faithfully,
As you fear this evening will end sometime soon, but believe, it will not,
The moon must traverse the sky, the stars must live on, and the sun must rest.

The wind carries them effortlessly over the shells scattered on the path,
Feel the oceans spray soft salts upon their sweet skins - awaken. 
Sense them gravitate closer, colliding intensely as tectonic plates do,
You feel the earth move, the ground slipping away, falling, into nothingness. 
Is she born again, or facing death one more time?