A Thought

we are always told that if we work hard enough, we can achieve anything...and if we do not achieve it, then it wasn't meant to be.. in my case, it's neither... but it's ok... you either move on, or you perish... and the second is not an option... 

For the rational human inside you

I wish it was easier to say good bye, and I wish I could rip my heart out and die like you.

I wish I could get you to understand that I’m no bad person who’s out to create havoc. But that’s Deepanshi for you. I can love you beyond your wildest dreams, but I’m also poison that killed an innocent guy.

There’s so much I want to feel..There’s so much I want to make you feel, but I’m wrong. I’ve always been wrong. Nothing I can say can ever fix that. You’ve filled my life with sunshine, and at times darkness. But I loved it all. I could take the pain knowing that it ended with me in your arms. If only you knew how much it meant to me.

You say that the quality of time matters and not the quantity, but then, my love, if the entire time I spend with you, you keeping saying that you have to leave soon, then how can I be free to be with you. If every time I must beg you to do things that make me happy, then how can there be quality. If you tell me that you can only miss me after two weeks, then how can I believe that I am any good. I want to make this work, believe me I do. If I didn’t, I would have gone to someone else, and spared myself these fights. But I chose to stick around.

My whole life I’ve been controlled, called a child, called immature, called an idiot. But the days I do behave normally, nobody really cares. Nobody sees that for every minute I am angry, there are a thousand minutes I am calm. And for a maniac like me, how difficult it is. But I do it, so I can see you smile, so I can see you relaxed. But it’s not enough.

You always say that no matter what you do, I am never satisfied, but I could say the same to you. Perhaps I have very high expectations. But I though that in a relationship, you work together to solve problems.

If you could feel the pain, if you could feel the confusion, the torture that the voices in my head put me through, you’d know that I’m not faking. Just once in my shoes, just put yourself in my shoes for once, just once. You’d know it is a battlefield in there. But I like to keep it to myself. Deal with it by myself. There are good days and there are bad days. Every good story talks about troubles and how people overcome them. And people undermine them all the time. But the sheer drive and self-belief keeps them going. It’s what keeps me going. Knowing that I’ll have to fail a thousand times before I succeed…That I’ll have to face my anger a thousand times a day, before I can control it. And most of the time I do. But I cannot win alone all the time. I need your support in overcoming my weaknesses. Isn’t that what two people do? Help each other out. I needed your help for when I fail. But if your attitude is that my problems are my own, then why do I even need you? Why should anyone ever need anyone by that logic?

But people do need each other, to catch each other when they fall. To say, it’s okay, I forgive you, let’s try again. And I thought I’d done that. But I’m not perfect. I’m a creep, who just feels lost in your shadow. And when I see the light, it blinds me, overwhelms me.

I am a mess, no doubt. I am an idiot, no doubt. I cause you trauma, no doubt. But I’ve never felt so awed by a person as much as I feel for you. I feel inadequate most times. I feel insecure. When reciprocation is begged for, it loses its value.

It’s like asking someone, please love me. It defeats the purpose. We are all on paths to finding our true selves and true happiness and we often overlook the simplest happiness that lie in front of us, staring at us in the face. Pick me…choose me…love me…

The greatest mistake in life you can do is not give justice to yourself. You’ll probably say that by being with you, I am not giving justice to myself. But I always think that we can work it out, because I still believe, yes I still believe in happy endings. If you say you don’t then you’re lying. We struggle, we die, we are reborn, everyday, to make ourselves happy. If we didn’t believe it was possible, that even the unreachable, the unattainable thing called happiness can be reached, can be attained, then why would we put ourselves through the torture everyday? Why not just give up?

See my sense, feel my pain. Insecurities, I believe can only be healed with love, not anger. I have seen it. I have not seen much in life, but I have seen this. Anger and frustration cannot lead to us becoming stronger. Kindness, affection and support from loved ones get us through the darkest hours of the night. Self loathing and anger will only help on certain nights.

Don’t pick me, if you don’t think I’m worth it. Don’t choose me if you think there’s someone better out there. Don’t love if you don’t think I deserve it. I will never again tell you that I am the one for you. I will never again tell you how cute and intelligent I am. I only did it earlier because I thought you need to fight for the one you love. But if the person does truly love you, then he should come to you independently. So I will never tell you why you should be with me. The only thing I will say is that I tried. I really did. And I hope you believe me when I say that I genuinely, with all my heart tried to give you support and love every single time you needed it. You are the final judge.

I wish I could make things okay, but I cant. I wish I could make you live again, but I can’t. But I will not come in the way of your peace and happiness. I will not. It’s torture knowing that I tried and failed. But I have to face it. I have to face my darker side and try to sort out things in my head. So here goes,

I expect too much from people. But I give much more than people expect too. This is not a good thing. It will hurt me. And maybe I should be more practical. I will try. You try your best to make me happy. But you are not in a position in life to give me what I want. Maybe you will never be. That’s okay. I did not put any conditions on getting into a relationship with you. I will be there for you whenever I can, as you have been there for me. I will be more focused. I will expect less from people. It will make me angry. It will make me upset. But there is no other way of living in this society. I will continue to try till the day I die, an old woman, who has loved and lost and found again, and lost again…a thousand times over, a million times over…it’s called the journey of life…

This is it. Pray that I find strength my love, I will need that strength every time you run on the treadmill and your body begs no more, not even one second more, in that one more second you will die…That’s how I feel when I am angry…I wish you knew, so you could forgive me…if you knew how intense it gets. God has made you the way you are – with your ambitions and rawness. God has also made me an angry person, but a loving one too.

Pray for me my love. I will pray you find whatever it is you are looking for. Forgive me someday for all the bad things I put you through…But I request that you do not make fun of this letter someday. I have written it with the utmost sincerity. That is the least a human being (not lover) can expect from another human being.  

Midnight Letters - I

Dear Abhinav,

I wanted to write to you, just to feel that you're there somewhere, breathing, moving on. I wish I could tell you how every single moment, not every day, but every single moment away from you is such a horrible torture. I know it is my fault that you left. But I tell everyone that if my love is true, you will return. Maybe after 10 years when you're fed up of your wife, you'll need a friend, and you'll give me a call...So, I'll wait. I don't look at myself in the mirror you know. My eyes are red always, puffy, empty. And you know, my skin is always dry, and I think I've forgotten what it felt like to laugh. I know you will never read this, so it's okay to be so weak. Your memories haunt me to sleep every night. But atleast the pain reminds me that you existed, that I had experienced the greatest joy of my life once upon a time. You didn't make me sad, don't ever think that. I just remember falling asleep in your arms, I knew that was completeness, true happiness. I'm working hard, working long hours - 12 - 13 hours everyday. Then I watch TV, listen to sad songs, read books and watch movies to kill time. And sometimes I speak to Aashay and I hear how happy you are. So I'm okay. I hope you get into IIM this year. I cannot see you coming back to me even if you get into IIM. But it doesn't really bother me. I'm okay. I don't want to cry any more. Just ring the doorbell...Please...Come soon. But you won't. It's okay. Good night for now.

Love,
Tami.

I Believe

I’m hoping someday, you’ll land up on my doorstep
And everything’s going to be okay.
There’s no hope, they say,
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I know
And all I need, is to believe
And I believe, they know I believe, in happiness.

Happiness

The decision to be happy is a lonely one to make, 

Let all of those complexities fall and break.

Close your eyes, the world is a happy place, 

It's not deceit, I just chose a hopeful face.