Letter to RAD - Take 3

 hello,

it’s been a few days since we last texted, and i’ve been reflecting on what you said.  while i agreed with a few things, there were other things that i didn’t agree with.  i think you’re a perceptive person.  and so i didn’t want to dismiss what you said without deeper thought.

you’re right that many times i take things personally.  an abusive childhood and decades of negative reinforcements have contributed to that.  but it’s also true that over time, i’ve gotten much better at letting things go and i accept myself for who i am now.  you’re also right that sometimes i find the chase exciting.  it’s been a way of improving my self-esteem in the past and a way to feel aroused in a relationship.  but it’s also true that i know what my worth is and i’m happy and content on my own as well.

it was a million in one chance that we spun a wheel at the same time and embarked on this ‘noodly adventure’.  i don’t know where it will take us, but whatever we have, we’re in it together.  and so, for that reason, i think i owe you an apology.  i thought i was giving you the appropriate amount of space, but i didn’t consider that you may define space differently than i do.  i jumped to conclusions and put excessive expectations on you to make me feel cared for.  i mistook your need for reflection as a sign that you were keeping me at arm’s length.  i’m sorry for my actions.  it was because i didn’t know what your boundaries are and i had a preconceived notion of what these boundaries should be.  i’m not going to assume anything anymore and i’m going to manage my insecurities in a better way.  i hope we can get past this and you understand where i’m coming from as well.

deepanshi

Letter to RAD - Take 2

 hello,

 

i have been reflecting, in the hours and days that have passed since we last corresponded, about what you said.  while there were elements with which i agreed, there were other parts, which did not align with the way i perceive myself.  you are not an unwise person.  and so, i wanted to take the time to truly understand why we had differing perceptions.

 

it is true that at times i have a tendency to make the actions of others about me.  but it is also true that i am quite secure in letting my close ones be as they are, even if that is different from how i would be.  it is true that sometimes i find the idea of being chased exciting.  but it is also true that more often, i value reflection, tempering the highs and lows, and taking time and space to be grateful.  while our qualities are helpful tools to interact with others, they are neither static nor a measure of our worth.  and so, sometimes they are meant to be accepted as they are.  at other times, we must change them to align with our personal values and goals.

 

you and i – it was a million in one chance that we spun a wheel at the same time and embarked on our noodly adventure.  and i have a feeling that more of the adventure remains.  i do not claim to know where it leads, but we are in it together.  and so, for that reason, i feel i owe you an apology.  years of conditioning to conventional norms makes one expect that if a person cares for you, they will communicate with you frequently and make you feel desired.  i projected these expectations on to you without considering that you may define your boundaries differently than me.  in doing so, i unintentionally put an undue burden on you to make me feel a particular way.  i mistook your penchant for reflection as a sign that you were keeping me at arm’s length.  i am sorry for that.  i want you to know that those actions came from a of lack of knowledge of your boundaries as well as a preconceived notion of what those boundaries should be.  that notion is now broken.  and even though i may not know all your boundaries yet, i know that it is important to ask and be more considerate rather than to assume.  in time, i hope you will forgive me and understand where i am coming from as well.

 

i hope you are doing good.  when you’re ready to talk, i’ll be here to listen.

 

always on your side, always will be,

deepanshi

Letter to RAD

Hello,

 

I wanted to say that your instinct was right about me – at least partly.  You said that maybe I desire to be chased.  I was quite shocked when you said that because in my last two relationships, it was the chase that turned me off my partners and made me disconnect from them, eventually leading to us parting ways.  And so, when you said it, I could not understand it.

 

Upon deeper reflection, in the hours and day that passed, I began to ask myself why you had said what you said.  You are not an unwise person.  And the answer presented itself.  It is not so much the desire to be chased, as it is the desire to merge.  Merge so deeply and completely, that I can share my wildest and most bizarre thoughts, ideas and emotions and in turn feel the other person’s most intimate thoughts, ideas and emotions as well.  I desire above all else to be stimulated so completely that every sense – taste, smell, sight, sound and touch, is activated, so that I can break free from the bonds of flesh and words that trap me in this human form.  Perhaps that is why I am so attracted to theoretical physics – to the idea that a universe exists beyond our current understanding that could enable us to transcend our earthly bonds and experience what we cannot even imagine.

 

You may have seen the movie Avatar and remember or know about the Tree of Souls.  In times of need, people would connect themselves to the tree, and through it, experience a simultaneous connection with each other, a moment of infinitely profound emotional strength.  I imagine my desire to merge to be similar.  Perhaps this desire is wrong, perhaps it is not.  But in acknowledging this deep desire to connect, I recognized that I have been unduly projecting it on to others.  And it is wrong of me to do that.

 

Life has a habit of repeating lessons that we are too stubborn to learn.  This lesson has been repeating itself in myriad painful ways for some time now.  My capacity to connect in a deep way with others is a beautiful thing no doubt, but I appreciate now that I need to create boundaries in my relationships – not just for the sake of the other person, but for my own sanity as well.  And I must channel this, almost spiritual longing, into finding and pursuing my purpose, rather than seeking it in the actions of people I am attracted to.

 

I suppose conventional norms lead us to believe that if a person cares for you, they will frequently communicate with you and make you feel needed.  I put an undue burden on you to do that.  And I mistook your penchant for reflection as a sign that you were keeping me at arm’s length.  I am sorry for doing that.  I would like you to know that it did not come from a place of malice, but a of lack of knowledge as well as a preconceived notion of how human beings ought to interact with each other.  That notion is now broken.  The apple is now bitten.  I understand now, that it was not personal.  I get it.  And it is a freeing feeling.

 

You may think I am untrustworthy with my quixotic quotations and whimsical nature.  Or you may not.  I would want you to know in either case, that my intentions, though impractical at times, are pure.  I find joy in giving.  I find peace in being kind.  I am quick to forgive.  And I value my friends and family.  But I am not yet the person I aspire to be.  You will say that I am praising you, and it may put you off, but the truth is, Allen, you have many admirable qualities that I have not seen in other men before.  I thought I knew what attracted me in a person before I met you – an intellectual personality, a kind heart, a passion for physical touch and a general curiosity to learn and try new things.  But after spending time with you, I realized that there are qualities you have that I would like to nurture in myself as well – the capacity to reflect and to be sombre, the ability to slow down and be deliberate, and an appreciation for silence so that I can learn to hear and trust my instinct.  It will take time.  It will likely be extremely uncomfortable.  But I believe I am brave and strong enough to do so.

 

And so, it may seem sappy that I talk of us being destined to meet – but I know, within my deepest recesses, that it was not by chance.  There is a story unfolding here, and though my instinct cannot tell me right now what the purpose of this journey is or where it will lead, but there is an unshakable belief that there is more of the story yet to be told.

 

I hope you are well.  I think of you often.

 

Always on your side, always will be,

Deepanshi

De-Marc-eD

You say I'm the light

But you're mine instead

I am the rambler

Inside my own head

Playing devil and angel

Some day I'll be dead

And then our souls

Can finally be wed

Etched on my skin

Is every word you've said

Hold my hand now

And once you've read

Shed not a tear

Because you're my red

Heart, blood and religion

Infinity De-Marc-eD

Demarked

Credible or incredible

Edible or inedible

Dark or light

And now

Together or apart

I’ll consume it all.

I thought together we could change the world, but if this is how our story ends, then it is my cross to bear. And I shall bear it. 

I’m sure you made the right decision for you. And I will respect it. But know, I have always loved you, in every lifetime past, and I will always love you, in every lifetime to come.

Conflicted

The other woman, they'd call me - but zero fucks for your labels. I hate that I can't bend you to my will. That's the real reason I hate myself. Because when creatures don't bend to my will, I throw them out of the window of my speeding car. Or chuck them in a dumpster with all the other things that lost their preciousness to me. And I cannot reconcile the fate I should leave you to with the fate I want to bestow upon you. 

Fulfil

Come sit with me, for a while,

Let us share a few words, and more.

I'll try not to touch the soft hair falling on your face,

And your sweet lips that bear a hint of a smile.

I'll try not to kiss your sweet skin that drives me crazy,

But you will not stop me, I know.

You will not stop before you take my face in your palms,

You will not stop before your lips touch mine.

And why should you?

Why should there be distance between us,

Barriers in our love?

What has the world ever achieved without love?

What makes more sense than loving another?

The ache of waking up without you in the morning,

Breaks my heart like feet upon thin ice,

And like water erodes the solid stones slowly,

So is my body eroded of ecstasy by the weathering of time.

Come fill my body with your love,

Complete me.

Those Eyes

 Save me from your eyes

For when they lock onto mine

They see who I am

And reveal parts of me

That even I dare not confront.

Cylinder

Baby, baby, I don't deserve you

Can I put you in a bottle

To keep and preserve you

From the evil in this world

I'll never let it touch you

I'd take over the Pentagon

Where the nukes are hid

And point them at the ones

Who hurt you instead.

They say white is pure

But I think its red

The color of my blood

My love in it bled

Take all of me now

And ask of me anything

There's no escape from you

I'm not mine now Darling. 

Your Beautiful Words

Floating in an ocean of your words

Listening to the chirping birds

I'm carried on waves to distant lands

Where I can rest in your soft sands

Souls Collide

Somewhere during our endless talks

On politics, poetry and philosophy,

In between our shy smiles

And secret-laden nervous laughs,

I stood at the edge of the cliff

Sneaking peeks into the abyss below,

Finding solace in your passion-tinted eyes,

Unravelling your soul's equation with tender fingertips.

In some moment when I sat alone

Feeling your lips teasing me on the wind

Listening to your voice resound in my core,

I became what I was destined to always be - yours.

Wishes

pata nahi tha ki khuda yoon hi meri khwashiein baant raha hai

warna duniya ke har dil ko paane ki muraad hi kar li hoti 

First Love

it was a child's love

holding hands like

the space between our fingers

would bond our souls tighter

lips touching and melting

not knowing what more

could make our hearts beat faster

handcrafting gifts

that would reflect our intentions 

of going to the world's end

for each other

restless after every fight

wanting to make it right

but knowing space is what we needed

giving in, professing love

heaving sighs of relief

and feeling like the world was right again

growing up

learning ways of the world

what strangers taught us

alcohol and attention

freedom and choice

realizing that hugs stopped feeling as warm

wanting things that were different

but overthinking ways to make 

things work with each other

kisses now flavored with whisky

silence comforting but sometimes not

anger and pain so intense

that the other couldn't see you, the real you

friends and bosses with mismatched ideas

we held hands, but the space between our fingers

no longer needed to be filled

recognizing that the we'd come too far

to let it all go, but giving up anyway

because a child's love

though what i want again

ran out that day

when i understood that there was only you

and no me, in the future

that we would have built.

Dating

swipe left

swipe left some more

and a bit more

the perfect waist

and angel smile

you're looking for

doesn't exist

easy to talk to

adventurous as you

but just enough

no she's not real

an ocean's there, yes

so many exciting views 

and exotic escapes

the chase

aah the chase

is so satisfying

the nerves, the butterflies

and then when its done

it's an empty feeling

like another checkbox

ticked, done

there's a word we've forgotten

no, it's not love

that we'll never forget

because what we seek

is seeking us, isn't it

well, i don't think it is

but in this abyss of choice

the one word we forget

is human

what it means to be human

the feeling of connection

mixed with the mundane

instant gratification

an is addiction now

everyone gets theirs

why not me

and then resentment sets in

because nothing seems

to fill that void

so swipe left

swipe some more

and a little bit more

to feel alive

when i all i feel inside

is the opposite

The Reality of Love

i'm excited by the possibility of love
and drowned by the failures behind me
when i sit alone in my room
i wonder and i wonder
the reasons for each broken heart
what was me
and what was them
and then before my heart threatens
to beat out of my broken rib cage
i take a breath
and lie convincingly to myself
that i'm pretty
and that someone will love me
for me

i look around and try
try to be grateful
for all that i have
but often it just feels
not enough
not enough to hold me together
when i'm alone
pitying myself for being alone
and then anger erupts
you're not supposed to feel sorry for yourself
no, that's not what strong people do
the thing is
i'm not one of them
i try and i try
but i can't find it in me
to be that way

i wish i could divorce the child in my head
that craves for love
to be held
safely
but the world's not safe
never was
never will be
and i will never be more than
a million pieces
shabbily glued together
ready to break
any second

What's the Word

i’m a word, some call me jibber, some call me jabber

but every word must have a meaning

mine is just a little more elusive than others

Feeling Blue

truly strange times these are – when i feel like meeting someone 

and no one at the same time

Fixing Others

i realized i chose toxic people to fix 

in hopes that it would fix me – it never did

Forgiveness

forgiving myself will be the one simplest,

yet hardest thing i’ll ever have to do

Demons

 the dark parts - i tried to hide them, then treat them

but in the end, i realized i’d have to live with them

Feeling Complete

 the hardest thing to accept was that i may never 

feel complete because i was never meant to

Help

 the only way i ever repaired anything

was in accepting i couldn’t do it alone

Being Yourself

 the only way i find i can live with myself 

is to never be anybody else

Hope

 in the moment when i felt like all was lost

is when i found something i never thought

World Stop It - Society

stop trying to get me

to make peace with systems

that rob me of me

stop trying to convince me

that traditions too are rational

gift yourself some context

and get a translator for my competence

i’m done trying to appeal 

to your better angels

perhaps its time to evoke something else

World Stop It - Religion

stop telling me

how your morals make you pure

stop lying to yourself

that religion brings us peace

that true love only happens

between one man and one woman

take my lenses to see

that society is most concerned

not with the wellbeing of a child

but a woman having a child out of wedlock

so far we’ve come

since we stepped on the moon

World Stop It - Beauty

stop equating my belly fat

to the extent of my self worth

direct your assumptions on my confidence

to a mathematician who can

tell you how flawed they are

stop trying to convince me

that a BMI of 24 should be my life’s goal

and physically fit people are happiest

i dare you to look in their eyes 

and tell me if that’s true

World Stop It - Success

stop telling me

that the definition of success

is my startup’s valuation

and my photo in Times 40 under 40

stop telling me that 

an idea is worthless

unless it rakes in millions

to make the richest people richer

while it is all but deformed

to meet your insatiable desire 

for wealth and wealth and wealth

World Stop It - Marriage & Children

stop telling me 

my life is incomplete 

without a man and a child

stop equating my feelings of loss

to the absence of those 

who don’t even exist

redirect your pity

to the person in the mirror

and stop seeking in me

the purpose of your life

because that’s not where you will find it

World Stop It - Things

stop trying to sell me things 

that i don’t need 

with money 

that i don’t have 

to fix problems 

that you invented

Loving You

no i do not love you

when you least deserve it

and you may think i deny you

to save or preserve it

no i do not love you

when you hide your pain

when you act irrational

or show me you’re vain

if love was a choice, then yes

i would never love you

but not just in these moments

in each one i breathe too

i truly, madly, deeply, love you

As the Moon

like the moon
we live our lives in parts
sometimes in full
and sometimes in halves

but on that one fixed day

the moon must disappear

and crescent by crescent

earn back its full sphere

yet only when it’s unseen

the moon is called new

because only utter darkness

can shed all that’s untrue

New Journeys

does the outcome scare you

or the journey itself

divorce the fear

embrace the excitement

break up with anxiety

much like your ex

it won’t do you any good

accept the concern

and channel it 

to carry you across

the desert that lies ahead

countless have failed

and many succeeded too

but it was theirs to own

and theirs to learn from

Confronting Childhood

i spoke to her

the seven year old me

and as she smiled

and looked upon me

with innocent curiosity

wondering why i’d 

called her back

i blubbered

and wailed

i couldn’t even tell her

that it’s going to be okay

i couldn’t even say 

those three words

every child

deserves to hear

Being More or Less

beware,

trying to be more

makes you more

but somehow

also makes you less

Addicted to Winning

 the thing about winning

is that after a while 

you want the win 

more than the reward

Brilliant Minds

i worship minds

but minds you see

have the power 

to deceive

rationality 

is overrated

stop feeling

berated

all the time

you think 

people hide

in cloaks of wisdom

are actually

just on the verge

of breaking when faced

with the loss

of their reality

The Bridge

the bridge is broke
between your hope
and my reality

the last hour spent

on my lament

yet you show no mercy

Giving Up

how many times

will you break me

hit me with 

one more rock bottom

and forsake me

crash on to me

harsh wave after wave

add another burden

on tired shoulders

that they can’t take

how many times

will you wake me

from one nightmare 

to take me to the next

tell me now so i know 

when to stop trying

to get back up again

Getting Over You

i have no energy 

in my bones 

to fight anymore 

the temptation

to say that

i’m over you

never was

never can be 

Breaking Up

as a rose blooms

so did our love

and though wind, rain and time 

shed a few petals

it was you and me 

that picked apart 

each petal and every leaf 

till nothing was left 

but thorns

The Value of Things

isn’t it strange 

that the more you have 

the less you value it

The Void

neither the 

substances

nor all 

the control

can fill 

the abyss

you left 

in my soul

Loving You

 part my heart 

and see,

i loved you

not me

Without Your Love

i may empty this heart 

and i may spend my soul

but without your love

i’ll never be whole

Dumped

 hurt me more

i’m just 

another toy

a silly girl

in love

with a boy

i’m not the one

but i’m sure 

you’ll find

a less broken me

and then

leave me behind

Soulmates

 soulmates sometimes leave
and never come back

Torn apart

 the world’s picking away parts of me 

and all I can do

 is to hand them away wrapped in a ribbon 

with a smile

Nightmares

in and out of nightmares

scarred with your eyes

even after all these years

my guilt never dies

Lost

stars can’t guide me home

from the darkness

that you left me lost in alone

Ways Part II

but i find ways to find

comfort that i can bring

in the words that i say

to stop you from hurting 

and i find ways to find

hope where hope’s lost

telling others of my failures

and of success’s cost

so i find ways to find

myself and all that means

moping in bed or out in

an xl shirt and jeans

Ways Part I

i find ways to hide

to not let them see

how i’ve failed and

how i’m not pretty

i find ways to hide

how my life is less

than my seaside vacations

and my sunshine dress

i find ways to hide

that i’m angry and flawed

a superstar at work

not just another fraud

Getting Over You

all the words in the world 

cannot help me get over you 

i was a fool to believe

i could ever stop loving you

Living and Dying

you live only once 

is a big fat lie

you live every day

but so do you die

Friendship

you don’t have to be there 

every time i break

as long as you make me laugh

when i cry a lake

Excuses

you’ll never 

run out of excuses 

to do nothing 

with your life

The Perfect Couple

silly laughs

and stupid fights

dancing under

the starry lights

being apart

holding hands

pain or joy

love withstands

Who Are You

you’re not your cv

or your waistline

you’re not your parents

or your sun sign

you’re not your promotions

or the money you make

you’re just the love

in this world you make

Picking Up The Pieces

pick up the pieces

start over again

you’re not your mistakes

chant it thrice, amen

Puzzles

there is more 

that separates us

than binds 

us together

but that is how

puzzle pieces

complete each other

Pain

you can’t live life

if you don’t know pain

you can act all stoic

but you know you feign

Love Hurts

smile,

you pretty little thing

learn to love,

even when it stings

Regret

 every regret

i have is from

taking for granted

things i should

have valued

What Souls Are Made Of

 your soul is made of

broken love

a dozen failures

childhood friendships

insecurities

incomplete thoughts

endless hope

and me

and everyone else

What am I

 am i a broken childhood

or am i shards of heart

am i made of falsehood

or of unconditional love

am i my fears alive

or my dark desires dead

am i my own keeper

or am i yours instead

Forgiveness

i am riddled 

with the guilt

of hurting you

and though 

you forgave me

i didn’t

forgive me too

Broken Pieces

 i could try 

to pick up the shards

and glue them back

together again

but it seems

i can’t even count 

the broken pieces

so where do i begin

Being Unhappy

 don’t call me brave

most times,

i just refuse

to let myself

be happy.

and in some

twisted world,

i end up

doing more

than others

find courage

to do.

Guilt

 most times 

i feel 

more guilt

for things 

i didn’t do

than those 

i did

Love Itself

nothing was easier 

than love

when I was with you

and now

nothing is harder

when you’re gone

Love Doesn't Cost a Thing

who says love 

doesn’t cost a thing

i buy your smiles 

with words of warmth that 

could have been spent on me 

i pay for days when 

you’re sad with patience 

and understanding

i fix your tears 

with sacrifices 

i ought not to be making

my love

loving you costs everything

Parts of Me

 i wish i too could love

as deeply as you did

those secret parts of me, that i so hated

Fickle Hope

 hope is fickle friend

you can hold on to it

take on mountains

change the world

and lose it one day

like your keys

Loving Me

 when you loved me

it was easy to love me too

Hope and Patience

 hope is easy

it’s patience that’s hard

Made of Stone

 i shall go 

so far away

you will 

forget 

my face 

one day

i am made 

of stone

my love 

thank for 

making me 

this way

Anonymous

so lost
and more alone
forever to
stay unknown

Now you see me

in mad-made temples
of countless lies
in a fortune teller’s
false disguise

in fragile leaves
of olden trees
in shape-shifting
moons’ mysteries

in black dawn skies
somewhat blue
all around me
i see you

Misfits

music
but, without a tune
hot chocolate
in the month of june

a runner
not in a race
worth loving
but, out of place

Origins III

sins of pride
lust and greed
made me ugly
but succeed

love around
but none for me
I betrayed
one too many

nothing left
a zero score
starting over as
poet of yore

Origins II

I wasn’t alive
nor was I dead
when you left
me to my dread

doomed to fail
in life and love
pain below
and fear above

a little hope
another door
opened and made
poet of yore

Origins I

we’ll never walk
hand in hand
or slow dance to a
street-side band

no morning teas
or midnight cigs
an end to all
the whisky swigs

bye for now
and ever more
thus was made
poet of yore

New beginnings

somewhere during my
attempts at distractions
in the middle
of hating and accepting
who I was and who I could be

at some intersection

of grief and joy

after I cried on

the ninth date

with someone who wasn’t you

in the moments when I sat alone

feeling the wind

listening to another 

love song we used to sing

I got over you

Being in love

I do not miss him
I miss the feeling
Of being loved.
It was healing.

Right and wrong

Right and wrong, like beauty, lie in the eyes of the beholder

Be true to you

The strongest armor

Is you as you 

Every smile has power

As does each scar

Come to pass

The rain may fall
And wipe it away
Seasons may pass
Healing the decay
Night may befall
Till there is no day
But my words
Will never end,
Because you, love
Shall never end.

Lies

Stop being the one

To memorize his lies

A feeling of false love

Is not a worthy prize

Humility

Count your mistakes
Like dribbles of a ball
Let them humble you
When you stand tall

Inner Peace - Take II

You could lift

Your head to peek

What floats atop

The teeming creek

But take a breath

And do not think

The view is fine

You shall not sink

Your heart may race

But that’s okay

Chaos will pause

Then float away

You won’t think

Of what is next

You are content

And unvexed

Just this once

You will not mind

A minute, though

But peace you’ll find

What goes around comes around

You're so alone
But you push people away,
You flaunt your self-love
For cheap likes every day.

You swipe up-down-left
But you want their attention,
They better be Ivy league (and hot)
F*$k real connection.

You revel in the guilt
Of hearts you've broken,
Ask me for forgiveness 
But your actions have spoken.

You can run, and you'll get far
But I won't be home waiting,
It's just pieces of my heart
That you left aching.

Song of death

Tonight, sleep won't come to me
And neither will you.

There won't be someone holding me tight,
Whispering it's going to be an right.

No undeserved kisses,
Or soft, warm embraces.

No songs to lull me,
Or vices to dull me.

No words that allay,
Torments of the day.


But tonight, patience will come to me
And my darling peace will return.

There will be clarity guiding my feet
To the end I am to meet.

A well-deserved smile,
Will carry me for a while.

A rhythm from within,
Will tickle my skin.

And a soul that was lost,
Will finally, have crossed.


Tuesday, April 7, 2020
3:35 AM

It's Easier

It's easier to believe
That you're nothing
Than you're everything

It's easier to think
That this is the worst
Even if it was worse before

It's easier to believe
You can't make it
Even when no one has

It's easier to think
That you need changing
More than others do

It's easier to believe
That you're broken
Than a wound that healed

It's easier to think
That you need someone
Even if you're complete.

Love in the time of Corona

Maybe, finally, this time, we will learn...
We'll learn to choose love over greed,
And show more empathy than apathy.
We'll learn to leave past baggage at the door,
And accept that doing right is better than being right.

Maybe, finally, this time, we will learn...
We'll learn to measure lives in more than dollars,
And recognize simpler things bring most joy.
We'll learn not to destroy our beautiful planet,
And realize what goes around, really does come around.

Maybe, finally, this time, we will learn...
We'll learn that compromises don't make us,
And it's actually our will to live instead.
We'll learn that we're all made of more than mass
And it's called humanity, and it's not dead.

Incept

Crawling my way through the darkness,
Praying some day I could be free.
All this time I spent fighting my imperfections
That were a mirror of you not me.

I climbed high till I could breathe no more
And I denied air as I sank to the deep.
The prize was your perfect reproach,
I thought I was woke, but I was asleep.

Now I must dive into darkness again to find
The answer that appears at the brink of my reach.
Your inception was perfect, I question what's real,
Was it your lies, or your lies I now preach? 

To an imaginary lover

My dear Hotness,

It was magical when we first spoke - your silly, self-deprecating jokes and PowerPuff Girls song rendition really had my heart skipping a beat. And when we met, multiple times, it felt so simple to be with you - because you gave me space and I didn't feel the need to name what we had or rush into a commitment like with the guys before you. I didn't have to apologize for my work habits or my smoking habits, I felt like I could reach out to you when I needed and you wouldn't play games - just be, and let me be.

But as much as I treasure your friendship and company, I can't do this anymore. I'm not a stickler for commitment (I think it takes time), but the last couple of conversations with you have left me feeling terribly disoriented. It's good to know that you've found someone who's special to you - your "girlfriend", who gets your polyamory, who you think could be the one, who you fast for and who you're "promised" to, but I don't get your continued ability to be with other people - though I'll attribute that to my limited ability to understand the full gamut of human emotions and thoughts. So no judgement for you (believe me, it's true). But I just can't be in this stalemate anymore. I wasn't really seeking your love and loyalty from Day 1 (or even Day 100), but I can't be with someone who can't even imagine loving and being loyal to a single person (me) especially when it appears they've already found true love elsewhere that transcends anything that I can hope to offer. 

It hurts, it hurts a lot to do this. And I know I'm going to regret my decision once or twice (or maybe forty two times), but I have to do this (or maybe I don't, but if there is an alternate, acceptable path, it is hidden from me). This in no way changes the respect and affection I have for you - nothing can ever take that away. My will has wavered a lot in saying this to you, but here it is - I can't see you anymore Hotness, I aspire to be more than the n-th person in someone's life. 

Best,
Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her

Letters to no one

Chomu,

You're probably feeling confused right now, and maybe even a little scared (though not as much as me, I assure you). No one knows how to run away from emotions and reality better than me - I've been at it since I read Harry Potter.

I didn't know what to say to you or what not to say - just because, I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking, and for the moments when I think I do, it changes to the opposite after all of 5 minutes. But I had to write this to you because I thought I would pass out if I didn't tell you (or down a bottle of whisky instead). So before you tear this and throw this away, read it, in its entirety and forgive me.

I care about you. I don't remember how or when we met. I don't even remember how or when we became friends, but I cannot forget the day it all changed (no it wasn't when you think it was). And though I don't know what it means for us and our friendship, I do know that I want you to be okay...I want us to be okay. 

It was quite abrupt and unexpected when you declared "yeh sab galat hai" the first time we kissed in the rain (I don't even know how long we were there in each others arms, or how we got there). I remember it being no big deal, despite you dragging me by the hand and dropping me home without my bag or phone. I vowed never to speak of it again and I was succeeding (it was no big deal) - till you held my hand, and invited me into your arms again that offsite night. And later, it broke my heart to say to you that we could never be friends again, and the tears in my eyes weren't fake - I couldn't bear the thought of having ruined what we had - the playfulness, the affection, the laughter and warm hugs. 

But like a roller coaster ride, it didn't stop, till I was upside down (mentally and physically). The night on the beach, when you said you were at peace, for the first time, it was like my own voice, giving words to long denied thoughts. And I know you weren't lying or drunk (we weren't born yesterday). But the next day, when I finally decided I couldn't pretend anymore, you retreated into a place where I couldn't follow you. I know how important one's space is, I detest people who take up mine, so I didn't insist at first.

I can guess what your fears may be (though I really don't know what they are) - that I'm older (and wiser :-P), that maybe I'm not pretty enough, that maybe I'll take away your freedom, that maybe you're not ready to be with someone, that people are going to be judgmental or not accepting of this. No one understands that better than me, because I feel the same fears and like I said at the start, I probably feel them more intensely than you do. But I realized a long time ago, the only thing more crippling than my fear, was the fact I did nothing about those fears. 

So, I have to do this now. It hurts, quite a bit, not knowing what you're going through, not being able to talk to you about it - I really wish I could understand why "yeh sab galat hai". Because, in my eyes, what's really wrong is not being able to share what we really feel with each other - especially since you know I have never judged you or how you act. 

There are so many years ahead of us, and I would rather not lose you by my side, but if I do, I would want you to know this - we can either move forward or we can move apart. But this place we're at, we're nowhere, and it won't last. 

I won't pretend to know what's "sahi" and "galat" but I know, that if it felt right in every moment that we were together, it cannot feel right when it's all over. I'm not a thief, I don't take what's not mine.

But I felt like you were. It felt like you let yourself be mine.

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I had to say it (before I down a bottle of whisky). 

Yours,
Deepanshi
"Kabhi kabhi toh lagta hai apun ich bhagwan hai."

Lost and found

I thought I lost my creativity, till I found answers in the ancient scriptures of Krishna,
Followed by CK specs that went amiss after a night of bizzareness I can never explain,
But made up for in the shaded glory of the grandest victory, called RC...
And I missed my flight back home,
Only to find that in solo trips I found a new, more beautiful me...
And I pined for those who weren't open to being loved,
Till I found adoration and respect from perfect strangers...
And I missed friends who were lost to other lands,
Only to find some coming back to make new memories with me.

In life, you lose so much, but gain some of it back - and so we move on, to live another day, another night, to remember.

Follow

Follow the night, and meet me at the end of the road
End of the road, where there's nothing to hide
Nothing to hide, about the vacuum in this shell
This shell, that lusts for solitude, and to be lost in others
Others, who revel in the dark as me.

Follow the melody, and meet me at the edge of the cliff
Edge of the cliff, from where I can fall and fly
Fall and fly, away from the fallacy they call rationality
Call rationality, and tell him I need him again
Again, I'm stuck in the tune, singing to a soul that's not there.

Follow the scent of zest, and meet me in the abyss
Me in the abyss, navigating waters not known to them
Known to them, ghosts of a past that chain the frail
The frail, that follow the lights and sounds of acceptance
Acceptance, that is unwelcome and unattainable.

Follow the wind, and meet me where the whisperers lay
Where the whisperers lay, reciting their false prayers
Their false prayers, that tell tales of a hell and heaven
And heaven, here I come looking for you
You, complete me, like rain drops on lips.

On Howard Roark - Is he the hero everyone says he is?

I recently read a someone's review of The Fountainhead in which said person written in length about the beauty of the heroes and philosophy and I could not but help pen the following down -

Yes, indeed, The Fountainhead is one book that shaped my early teenage years and thinking, it still does continue to do so well into my 20s. And perhaps, Atlas Shrugged is better exemplification of Ayn Rand's true philosophy, more so than The Fountainhead, but it is true that this book has some of the most unique and interesting characters in all her works. The problem lies in her portrayal of these “unrealistic” heroes and villans. 

The truth is probably (as I have observed in my life) that Howard Roark is not a real person. It is possible for people to try to emulate him in some misguided quest for liberation, but practically speaking, people like him do not exist. A deeper look into her life reveals that she actually fell into depression after writing her magnum opus - Atlas Shrugged, because she herself struggled with the conflict from not being able to consistently and incessantly think and feel like her "heroes". Why? Because they aren't real. Yes, some of their qualities are present in people around us, but those characters, they do not exist and (perhaps) never can. One can argue that Ayn Rand didn't want to show us real people, but how people could/should be. Roark is a solemn man with ironclad beliefs and doesn't succumb to the weakness that plagues others. No one is Howard Roark for the same reason that nobody is Christ or Shiv or Mohammad or whatever God one believes in. 

Ayn Rand argued in favor of rationality and rejected religion, but her protagonists seem to have these deity like qualities that seem neither realistic nor achievable to emulate over the length of a lifetime. The truth is, Ayn Rand "romanticizes" her characters' stoic qualities to deliver a stronger message than reality ever can - and that's where the problem is. People take the characters' behavior at face-value and jump headfirst into these appealing, yet harmful behaviors that further isolate them from what makes them happy without questioning it beforehand. That is irrational. 

Hence, while The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged continue to be one of the most personally influential books in my life and have served for many many hours of beautiful intellectual debate among friends and colleagues, I cannot ever endorse the view that Howard Roark is the perfect man or that is Dominique the perfect woman. 

Consequently, they are but art, exaggerated, distorted, to pander to the abstract longings of our mind - to derive meaning in a life that is but without.

Who is the better Holmes? Elementary vs. Sherlock – My take on which is better and why

It’s been two months since I’ve been hooked onto Elementary and as I await the final Season 7 (perhaps making it the longest running Sherlock Holmes series ever), I felt the urge to pen down my thoughts on it and share it with the world. It is no doubt one of the most heretical interpretations of ACD’s work and the institution that is Sherlock Holmes and yet probably, I must admit, the best. No way, you say. Benedict Cumberbatch was the best, you say. Allow me to explain.

This contemporary take on Holmes unveils its lead as a modern day recovering heroin addict, addled with the inner demons of guilt, lost love, troubled familial relationships and inability to conform to the traditional social “tact”. While both Miller and Cumberbatch find solace in a dispassionate approach to crime solving, believe that they are smarter and better than others and view the people around them as hardly more than data points, there is a more nuanced, relatable approach to Miller’s Holmes.

So, as I re-watched Sherlock, I was surprised to find myself almost repulsed by Cumberbatch’s Holmes giggling upon hearing of a serial murderer on the loose (A Study in Pink). While Miller’s Holmes, demonstrates more of a “frenzied passion” to solving crimes and ensuring justice at all costs, Cumberbatch’s Holmes is only driven by the puzzle and the need to solve it, designating him and the “movieish” episodes to just that – a puzzle to be solved. And the viewer is left, like Watson, to exclaim sheepishly, “Fantastic”. Miller’s Holmes gives a character to root for, to believe in and to see evolve. Cumberbatch’s Holmes continues to tiringly pride in his superiority without ever exploring the inner workings of a “high-functioning sociopath” and the journey before and after.

This brings us to the debate of Watson vs. Watson. Elementary truly takes a leap of faith by casting Lucy Liu in the part of a female Watson, and I was very skeptical to be honest, if this could truly stay true to the original relationship of Holmes and Watson, but again, Elementary wins out. From the moment Joan Watson steps into Holmes’ house, she establishes herself as more than an idol-worshiping sidekick which Freeman’s Watson hardly ever rises beyond in the BBC version. Joan not only grows to be a true “partner”, often providing the critical insight into solving cases or solving them on her own, she also helps bring out the previously unexplored parts of Sherlock’s personality in terms of guilt, anger, resentment, isolation, empathy and enables his journey in dealing with a lot of these real emotions (of course without turning this into a soap opera). And while we see her character arc develop as well, she never takes away from Holmes' limelight or descend into orthodox feminine story plots. Freeman’s Watson on the other hand, slavishly admires his Holmes and his ability to deduce astounding facts from the minutest of details and is relegated to the part of a “wife”, tolerating the arrogance, lack of concern (and sometimes evoking the tiniest empathy in Sherlock) – this is probably why he is often the butt of “gay” jokes. He is less of a partner, and more of a bystander caught in the hurricane that is Sherlock. Quite the opposite, Joan develops a true friendship with her Holmes based on mutual respect, learning from each other as their journey progresses (contrary to Cumberbatch’s Holmes that often declares his Watson an “idiot” or “vacant”).

At last, we come to Moriarty. Well, the Moriarty angle is truly a very interesting approach in Elementary (no spoilers), one that deviates entirely from the canon, but definitely provides some compelling material. Though I must defer to the crazed, obsessive Andrew Scott who made the character so much more fun – a super villain worth his stock, in Sherlock.

So, while I must admit that big names, Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman had me (like many others) prostrating over Sherlock, over time, Elementary has won the true respect of yours truly. Sherlock is more faithful and Cumberbatch’s deep voice and conspicuous arrogance perhaps lend him to higher adoration as a "high functioning sociopath". But, at the end of the day, Miller’s Holmes and Liu's Watson are truly more “organic” and “chemical” in their nature, ironically, much more than “elementary”.

Of rings

The trees move past me
And the sun above me, around

I can see that yellow everywhere -
In the dawn sky between the black and blue,
In the graveyard milestones I cross by and by,
In the rings of fire of the noon star,
In the fragile leaves waiting to fall at my touch.

I can see that warm yellow cut by his sharp rings of black.

I cruise past the winged wildlings
And drift as slow as the setting sun.

I can see that shape-shifting yellow everywhere
In the many mad-made temples of mistruths
In the machines racing to nowhere lands
And in the hearts of men that ride them.

I can see that blood yellow, it's etched in my sight.

I'm standing still and the world is moving behind,
I can see life and I can see death in the rings of my fingers.

I can see that yellow that's so bright, it's the color of love
Lighting up on the touch of skin on skin
And in the center of trees as old as the world
And in the souls that eyes cannot see.

I can that yellow that's not yellow, and it's breathing rings of life into me.
I'm alive again.

Getting over him

I have a sinking feeling every time I think of a trip we had together. All my trips have some memory of him - Europe, Coorg, Sri Lanka and Cambodia. There are hardly any trips I did without him, and those that I did, he was linked - I remember speaking to him over the phone.

It's starting to make sense though - the fact of the matter is, I can be upset with society for his parents being the way they are. But the problem wasn't his parents, the problem wasn't me. The problem was in him all along. He never could stand up for himself. It wasn't about standing up for me against his parents, it was about standing up for himself. He never did that in front of his friends, that's why he didn't have any. People saw him as a joke, and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful way. People knew he didn't have a personality of his own, he was always trying to fit in, and do things to impress people. And I know that deep inside, because I told him this so many times - we fought about it too.

Even if we were together - and this is going to change - even if he were, we wouldn't have worked because he would have always been swayed by others and never really held his own. Would I have ever been truly happy? Now let's address the main issue - why do I want to be with him? After what he did, it was not bad to me (I mean it was) but the larger issue remains, how can one be with a person who doesn't stand up for themselves. I do not miss him, I miss the feeling of being loved. And as scared as I am of never feeling that way about anyone ever again - I think it's more important to realize that I would never have been happy that a man would always look towards others for approval and guidance rather than have an opinion of oneself. It was great to feel needed, to feel respected by him - but that was an illusion. Inside he was insecure and unsure and he reached out to others, not because he was a strong, independent person.

He was good to me. And it hurts that he is no longer in my life. I cannot deny that. It may continue to hurt for some time. And I have lost 3 years of my life to him. But what about the next 30? These 3 years will seem like nothing for the next 30 years of my life. Time is not running out - it is okay to get married late, it is okay to have children late - that is one thing you will not regret. But what you will regret is continuing to feel pain for someone who didn't see your pain. You can hurt like hell thinking about all your trips with him, but he chose to walk away from all of those. After 1 day. After 1 day. All the talks we had that we would try for months - he gave up after 1 day. Does a person like that deserve the love you gave to him or the pain you feel for him?

It wouldn't have worked (it's not sour grapes) - just think, forget that you loved him for a second. Just imagine today, if you met this person who couldn't stand up for himself, for what he wanted and claimed he loved - would you want to go out with him? No, right? Then why are you still hung up on him. The sadness will pass. The pain will pass. But I need to let him go.

I need to realize that he wasn't the one. He wasn't. The one doesn't give up on what he loves. Like you, you're hurt, you're bruised, but you haven't given up on love. You've had a lot of crap thrown at you - PCOD, denied promotions, deaths, crazy parents - you're still here. You're still moving on with your life. That's strength. And that's something he never had and never will.

Accept that he was not right for you. Acknowledge the pain you feel. He didn't love you, he cared for you. But it is over now. And you don't want him back. Even if he says he's changed. What he did cannot be undone. What his parents are cannot change. He is not the one. He was just something that came and went. Your life is not over. It has just begun.