Letter to RAD

Hello,

 

I wanted to say that your instinct was right about me – at least partly.  You said that maybe I desire to be chased.  I was quite shocked when you said that because in my last two relationships, it was the chase that turned me off my partners and made me disconnect from them, eventually leading to us parting ways.  And so, when you said it, I could not understand it.

 

Upon deeper reflection, in the hours and day that passed, I began to ask myself why you had said what you said.  You are not an unwise person.  And the answer presented itself.  It is not so much the desire to be chased, as it is the desire to merge.  Merge so deeply and completely, that I can share my wildest and most bizarre thoughts, ideas and emotions and in turn feel the other person’s most intimate thoughts, ideas and emotions as well.  I desire above all else to be stimulated so completely that every sense – taste, smell, sight, sound and touch, is activated, so that I can break free from the bonds of flesh and words that trap me in this human form.  Perhaps that is why I am so attracted to theoretical physics – to the idea that a universe exists beyond our current understanding that could enable us to transcend our earthly bonds and experience what we cannot even imagine.

 

You may have seen the movie Avatar and remember or know about the Tree of Souls.  In times of need, people would connect themselves to the tree, and through it, experience a simultaneous connection with each other, a moment of infinitely profound emotional strength.  I imagine my desire to merge to be similar.  Perhaps this desire is wrong, perhaps it is not.  But in acknowledging this deep desire to connect, I recognized that I have been unduly projecting it on to others.  And it is wrong of me to do that.

 

Life has a habit of repeating lessons that we are too stubborn to learn.  This lesson has been repeating itself in myriad painful ways for some time now.  My capacity to connect in a deep way with others is a beautiful thing no doubt, but I appreciate now that I need to create boundaries in my relationships – not just for the sake of the other person, but for my own sanity as well.  And I must channel this, almost spiritual longing, into finding and pursuing my purpose, rather than seeking it in the actions of people I am attracted to.

 

I suppose conventional norms lead us to believe that if a person cares for you, they will frequently communicate with you and make you feel needed.  I put an undue burden on you to do that.  And I mistook your penchant for reflection as a sign that you were keeping me at arm’s length.  I am sorry for doing that.  I would like you to know that it did not come from a place of malice, but a of lack of knowledge as well as a preconceived notion of how human beings ought to interact with each other.  That notion is now broken.  The apple is now bitten.  I understand now, that it was not personal.  I get it.  And it is a freeing feeling.

 

You may think I am untrustworthy with my quixotic quotations and whimsical nature.  Or you may not.  I would want you to know in either case, that my intentions, though impractical at times, are pure.  I find joy in giving.  I find peace in being kind.  I am quick to forgive.  And I value my friends and family.  But I am not yet the person I aspire to be.  You will say that I am praising you, and it may put you off, but the truth is, Allen, you have many admirable qualities that I have not seen in other men before.  I thought I knew what attracted me in a person before I met you – an intellectual personality, a kind heart, a passion for physical touch and a general curiosity to learn and try new things.  But after spending time with you, I realized that there are qualities you have that I would like to nurture in myself as well – the capacity to reflect and to be sombre, the ability to slow down and be deliberate, and an appreciation for silence so that I can learn to hear and trust my instinct.  It will take time.  It will likely be extremely uncomfortable.  But I believe I am brave and strong enough to do so.

 

And so, it may seem sappy that I talk of us being destined to meet – but I know, within my deepest recesses, that it was not by chance.  There is a story unfolding here, and though my instinct cannot tell me right now what the purpose of this journey is or where it will lead, but there is an unshakable belief that there is more of the story yet to be told.

 

I hope you are well.  I think of you often.

 

Always on your side, always will be,

Deepanshi