Dear Blondie,
I knew I had to write this to you tonight. Because tomorrow I might not feel the same way I do. I am a drifter, I say this every time. Every time I fall in love. And every time it hurts to leave knowing there is no way forward. I am here, listening to the belle music tape that played as we made love so many times. It was magical, beautiful to be in your arms, as you kissed me, loved me. I do not know what it meant for you, but for me, it was feeling everything - the universe, beauty, pain, joy, wholeness, completeness, magic - everything all at once. I do not know if I will ever fall in love again, but I know I will never feel that way again - it was too pure. The first night, lying in your arms, knowing I was loved (even if I was delusional). Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life - as you drove me through the hills, hugged me, slapped me playfully, frowned, tickled me behind the ears, kissed my cheeks.
I was in heaven, and I cannot bring back the time we lost to life. We don't talk about it, about what will happen, about how we'll never be together again, we shouldn't talk about it. But it's okay. I never danced that way with anyone before - never fell like that before. If you could know the smiles I put on my face to make you smile, if you could know I tears I stash away so you see I am not in pain, if you could just...but no one loves a grumpy person. If you could know the ends of the world I would go to if you just asked. But alas, you don't love me, so how can you know?
My head is under water, and it hurts like hell, but I can't let go of you. You're everything I know I need and everything I've ever wanted. The feel of you - strong, protecting me. But it's not the same anymore. I don't want to be your burden, I want to be your child. How many times I have told you that I love you I cannot remember. You distract me, but you motivate me too. You were the reason I was so beautiful, you were the reason I was me. Every single inch of me craves desperately for you, but you cannot feel that - I wish you knew what that was like. I wish the pain of longing for you would stop, finish, disappear, but it's just a sharp pain inside me that doesn't go away. I could give you everything you ever needed or wanted, hold you, take care of you, love you - anything. But you never want it.
There's nothing in the world I want more than your love sometimes. Just for you to hold me and say it's going to be okay, for you to grasp my hand and say you're there, just for you to smile at me and say I'm yours. But that day won't ever come I know. You're dead inside, and I was a fool to let myself go, let myself believe. And the music is playing mockingly, telling me I can never have you or have what we had in that place ever again, but how can I give up hope. I am falling deeper and you are rising higher, higher above all these petty feelings that suffocate me every night. It is so difficult to breathe sometimes. Don't you remember how well I fit in your arms, how I fell just in time for you to catch me, how perfect your lips felt on my lips, how perfect I was in the front seat of your car, smiling as you smiled at me? Don't you remember how perfect the touch of your skin was on my skin, how you played with my hair telling me it was stupid, not caring as I sat next to you for hours being your luck, sitting on the bean bag discussing tales of life and watching movie after movie? Don't you remember how you would move forward as I moved backward, how you leaned on me and I trembled as you looked at me? Don't you remember how it felt to always have me by your side? But those times are gone, as are you, as am I. I am gone, my love. Forever away from you.
I know you won't miss me, you're not that kind. I know you won't regret, you never do. I know you'll never ask me to come back, you don't believe in that. I hope you find love, it will hurt me, but I'll be happy for you, because I love to see you happy. And I'm here writing another part of my soul for you, hoping you'll someday understand how I feel, have mercy on my poor heart. But you never promised, and I never asked, so it's okay, I don't blame you. And every time my heart breaks, I'll get up again, rise from the pain and smile again, laugh again, play again. And there may be tears on the way, but so be it. I'll drink them like the intoxicating poison that fills my veins now. I'll be happy, or at least, people will see that I am happy, even though I may be crying inside. But no one loves a grumpy person. I'm happy, so happy I felt at one with the universe - thank you for showing me that, I can never thank you enough for that feeling. It was magical, hypnotic, addictive and unforgettable. I hope you find that feeling someday with someone.
Goodbye and goodnight.
Love always,
YoDeepuSoOld
I knew I had to write this to you tonight. Because tomorrow I might not feel the same way I do. I am a drifter, I say this every time. Every time I fall in love. And every time it hurts to leave knowing there is no way forward. I am here, listening to the belle music tape that played as we made love so many times. It was magical, beautiful to be in your arms, as you kissed me, loved me. I do not know what it meant for you, but for me, it was feeling everything - the universe, beauty, pain, joy, wholeness, completeness, magic - everything all at once. I do not know if I will ever fall in love again, but I know I will never feel that way again - it was too pure. The first night, lying in your arms, knowing I was loved (even if I was delusional). Those were the most fulfilling moments of my life - as you drove me through the hills, hugged me, slapped me playfully, frowned, tickled me behind the ears, kissed my cheeks.
I was in heaven, and I cannot bring back the time we lost to life. We don't talk about it, about what will happen, about how we'll never be together again, we shouldn't talk about it. But it's okay. I never danced that way with anyone before - never fell like that before. If you could know the smiles I put on my face to make you smile, if you could know I tears I stash away so you see I am not in pain, if you could just...but no one loves a grumpy person. If you could know the ends of the world I would go to if you just asked. But alas, you don't love me, so how can you know?
My head is under water, and it hurts like hell, but I can't let go of you. You're everything I know I need and everything I've ever wanted. The feel of you - strong, protecting me. But it's not the same anymore. I don't want to be your burden, I want to be your child. How many times I have told you that I love you I cannot remember. You distract me, but you motivate me too. You were the reason I was so beautiful, you were the reason I was me. Every single inch of me craves desperately for you, but you cannot feel that - I wish you knew what that was like. I wish the pain of longing for you would stop, finish, disappear, but it's just a sharp pain inside me that doesn't go away. I could give you everything you ever needed or wanted, hold you, take care of you, love you - anything. But you never want it.
There's nothing in the world I want more than your love sometimes. Just for you to hold me and say it's going to be okay, for you to grasp my hand and say you're there, just for you to smile at me and say I'm yours. But that day won't ever come I know. You're dead inside, and I was a fool to let myself go, let myself believe. And the music is playing mockingly, telling me I can never have you or have what we had in that place ever again, but how can I give up hope. I am falling deeper and you are rising higher, higher above all these petty feelings that suffocate me every night. It is so difficult to breathe sometimes. Don't you remember how well I fit in your arms, how I fell just in time for you to catch me, how perfect your lips felt on my lips, how perfect I was in the front seat of your car, smiling as you smiled at me? Don't you remember how perfect the touch of your skin was on my skin, how you played with my hair telling me it was stupid, not caring as I sat next to you for hours being your luck, sitting on the bean bag discussing tales of life and watching movie after movie? Don't you remember how you would move forward as I moved backward, how you leaned on me and I trembled as you looked at me? Don't you remember how it felt to always have me by your side? But those times are gone, as are you, as am I. I am gone, my love. Forever away from you.
I know you won't miss me, you're not that kind. I know you won't regret, you never do. I know you'll never ask me to come back, you don't believe in that. I hope you find love, it will hurt me, but I'll be happy for you, because I love to see you happy. And I'm here writing another part of my soul for you, hoping you'll someday understand how I feel, have mercy on my poor heart. But you never promised, and I never asked, so it's okay, I don't blame you. And every time my heart breaks, I'll get up again, rise from the pain and smile again, laugh again, play again. And there may be tears on the way, but so be it. I'll drink them like the intoxicating poison that fills my veins now. I'll be happy, or at least, people will see that I am happy, even though I may be crying inside. But no one loves a grumpy person. I'm happy, so happy I felt at one with the universe - thank you for showing me that, I can never thank you enough for that feeling. It was magical, hypnotic, addictive and unforgettable. I hope you find that feeling someday with someone.
Goodbye and goodnight.
Love always,
YoDeepuSoOld
No comments:
Post a Comment