When I started writing this blog, I wrote it because I had come close to a very real attempt at suicide. I had taken 100 carefully selected pills of deadly barbiturates combined with sleeping pills - a thoughtfully orchestrated attempt to end a life that I believed no longer had any meaning.
9 years later, I have battled with the thought again a few times. Call it courage or cowardice, I could never make another attempt like that time again. I had broken up with a boy whom I had loved and he had accused me of unspeakable things when I started writing this blog. I had vowed that I would write every single day till he came back to me - because I was so naive and believed in love. And guess what, he came back - somehow they always do. But 9 years later, 3 boyfriends past, I know the fabled 'one' will never return.
Despite about a hundred, or even a thousand reminders of him every single day - from the way I brush my teeth, to the food I eat or the clothes I wear or the phrases I say or the shows I watch, this 'one' will be difficult to get past. They say that getting over the 'one' takes 3 times the amount of time you've spent with them. I guess I'm going to be writing for a long long time.
But here's a shot, let us see. This is my attempt at writing every day, till the day I am over him.
I've been binging on the juicy, always startling, pop culture, shallow-as-it-gets series of Gossip Girl. Imagine my relief that the made up (or so we would like to believe) lives of Upper East Side, rich brats are more complicated than my own. It's a bizarre rush of serotonin to watch the predictable and non-predictable twists and turns of teenagers who's lives revolve around back-stabbing friends and enemies alike, love affairs as complicated as advanced quantum physics and off-course, heartbreaks galore - it's a nice feeling to know I'm not alone. But I guess what's most interesting about this show is the fact that there are no happy endings.
I've been struggling for a very long time, afraid of the fact that there is no happy ending for me - that my luck (as recounted by multiple pandits, horoscope websites etc. etc.) is just doomed - I am bound by fate to fail in love, in my career and in life in general. Nevertheless, like Blaire, I seem to never be able to give up the hope of finding true love - despite her ex-boyfriend sleeping with her best friend, current boyfriend sleeping with his step sister who he tried to date rape 3 years ago, ex-boyfriend dating her current best friend, losing admission to Yale like she wanted since she was a little girl, not having a single friend in college yada yada yada... Yes, like Blaire, I'm not giving up on love. And like Blaire, I believe my life will still be in my control, and not in the movement of Venus and Saturn and Mars like the soothsayers would have me believe.
And when I'm down, and Facebook walls are covered with friends, juniors, seniors getting married to the loves of their lives or to strangers their parents selected - I remind myself, what's the worst that could happen, I'll have to wait - for a year, for two years, for ten years - but I will find love again, and I will not succumb to the pressures of people who would push me to do otherwise, even if it is my parents that brought me into this life. I would rather see them cry every day, than succumb to marrying a stranger I do not love. Because, I decide my life - I decided to live, despite pain, despite heartbreak. And no one can take that decision away from me - even if they claim they love me. My parents will pass on after a few years, like we all will, but I will never be able to look in the mirror if I succumb today. It would mean the end and destruction of my soul, to let anybody else, including the 'one' to decide what my fate will be. That is mine, and mine alone.
So here's to a fresh start. I know I'm going to be ok, some day.
XOXO,
Gossip Girl
9 years later, I have battled with the thought again a few times. Call it courage or cowardice, I could never make another attempt like that time again. I had broken up with a boy whom I had loved and he had accused me of unspeakable things when I started writing this blog. I had vowed that I would write every single day till he came back to me - because I was so naive and believed in love. And guess what, he came back - somehow they always do. But 9 years later, 3 boyfriends past, I know the fabled 'one' will never return.
Despite about a hundred, or even a thousand reminders of him every single day - from the way I brush my teeth, to the food I eat or the clothes I wear or the phrases I say or the shows I watch, this 'one' will be difficult to get past. They say that getting over the 'one' takes 3 times the amount of time you've spent with them. I guess I'm going to be writing for a long long time.
But here's a shot, let us see. This is my attempt at writing every day, till the day I am over him.
I've been binging on the juicy, always startling, pop culture, shallow-as-it-gets series of Gossip Girl. Imagine my relief that the made up (or so we would like to believe) lives of Upper East Side, rich brats are more complicated than my own. It's a bizarre rush of serotonin to watch the predictable and non-predictable twists and turns of teenagers who's lives revolve around back-stabbing friends and enemies alike, love affairs as complicated as advanced quantum physics and off-course, heartbreaks galore - it's a nice feeling to know I'm not alone. But I guess what's most interesting about this show is the fact that there are no happy endings.
I've been struggling for a very long time, afraid of the fact that there is no happy ending for me - that my luck (as recounted by multiple pandits, horoscope websites etc. etc.) is just doomed - I am bound by fate to fail in love, in my career and in life in general. Nevertheless, like Blaire, I seem to never be able to give up the hope of finding true love - despite her ex-boyfriend sleeping with her best friend, current boyfriend sleeping with his step sister who he tried to date rape 3 years ago, ex-boyfriend dating her current best friend, losing admission to Yale like she wanted since she was a little girl, not having a single friend in college yada yada yada... Yes, like Blaire, I'm not giving up on love. And like Blaire, I believe my life will still be in my control, and not in the movement of Venus and Saturn and Mars like the soothsayers would have me believe.
And when I'm down, and Facebook walls are covered with friends, juniors, seniors getting married to the loves of their lives or to strangers their parents selected - I remind myself, what's the worst that could happen, I'll have to wait - for a year, for two years, for ten years - but I will find love again, and I will not succumb to the pressures of people who would push me to do otherwise, even if it is my parents that brought me into this life. I would rather see them cry every day, than succumb to marrying a stranger I do not love. Because, I decide my life - I decided to live, despite pain, despite heartbreak. And no one can take that decision away from me - even if they claim they love me. My parents will pass on after a few years, like we all will, but I will never be able to look in the mirror if I succumb today. It would mean the end and destruction of my soul, to let anybody else, including the 'one' to decide what my fate will be. That is mine, and mine alone.
So here's to a fresh start. I know I'm going to be ok, some day.
XOXO,
Gossip Girl
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