Fuck off morons who tell me to not think about him! But I'm not a looser, I'm a winner- a goddamn winner is what I am and I cannot bear to loose. It is perhaps why I get myself into such messes all the time, this need of mine to do whatever it takes to win-ends justify the means type attitude. But I'll be honest with you (whoever is reading this), it hasn't worked out. If I play, I end up being played, so I've given up on the games which require me to go against what I believe in.
All of us play mind games in some way or the other everyday: giving a rude reply to someone making a joke to show that we're sporty and not weak, being courteous and nice to someone who could help us in the future etc etc. But I am learning where to draw the line. It is no black and white line, but my instincts guide me on my 'lofty quest'. What I feel now is that I want to build my life, not destroy it in love, because there is no bigger insult to love than being destroyed by its overwhelming power. They say, our greatest weaknesses are also often our greatest strengths. This is precisely what I am trying to accomplish here - turning my weakness of needing that special guy in my life, to use the moments we spent together as a motivation when I am tired and exhausted from work. Happiness can be shared with everyone, and so I share it with whomever I can find.
I have grown particularly attached to my mother because of all the honesty and she seems completely friendly, almost sly; perhaps because in my condition she cannot afford to express anger. But whatever be the reason, I think that she knows that I will not destroy my career in love because somehow I'll find a way with luck and lots of hard work. Because as much as Avi means to me, and as low as I am willing to degrade myself to get him back, I will not do so. I want the respect, not the respect I have because I'm in a great college and course and internship, but because I fulfilled my destiny of being successful and I did it despite all the accusations of snobbery and wickedness. It may seem like avenging, but you only avenge what you lost. In this case I am building respect, not trying to gain the respect I once had, because I did not have real respect. Like Ellsworth Toohey in The Fountainhead, I was a mere puppet of the people I was trying to control.
People come and go and each one serves their purpose. Shakespeare was a very wise man, or atleast a very good cut-copy-paste writer; because people come into our lives to teach us something and then they leave. Then, there are the main characters, that the story revolves around. It is not the same as using people and throwing them away because you never know when the person's part is over. Am I mad to think that this is some giant and complex play designed by God- oh one minute, isn't Abhinav my God-God (Godmother/Godfather- guardian).
So this means that Abhinav has already made the decisions. If you have seen the matrix, you might follow this next bit.
Each one of us have already made the choices we were meant to make in our lifetimes and we are merely watching our physcial bodies inact the roles that were laid out for us. We are our own directors and script writters.
I shall try and formalize this into mathematical logic tomorrow- use some of the economics I studied in second year for something unconventional.
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