Discarded Memories...

I ask myself often if there is something, anything I could do to win him back. So desperate am I for a solution that I have considered jumping in front of a bus, hoping beyond hope that pity will be enough to bring him back. I struggle to think of something else besides him. Even my previous obsessive infatuation took no longer than six months to turn into repulsion. With this gentleman, I seem no closer than I was on the first day. Pillow covers bear the scars of spilled kajal and the ominous blade carries blood residue and as if by the hands of god, the music compilation I made for him plays on a discarded computer. All the grave mistakes I made flash by my eyes burning holes in my innards. I can feel the tears on the brink of my eyelashes and as another song plays they finally begin to fall.

There is no rest, no respite from the shame of my adultery and my pathetic attempts at sadistic manipulations. The next song rightly asks how things will ever be mended, how those sweet moments in the rain will be ever be righted. His memories haunt me, so weighty, so overwhelming. I dream of love as time runs through my head. It makes sense at last. The world is right because of him, the world is wrong because of him. He disturbs my dreams and my thoughts, never resting until he has made me cry.

I am quick to point that I had left no stone unturned to make him happy, but alas, I could not change myself until it was too late. It may not make sense to him that I have changed, but it is only for me to understand that I have my self respect back now that I have changed. I’ve been kissed by a rose on the grey. No less than a drug addiction that I steal highs from in our short moments of interaction.

I read my memoirs and laugh at how accurately my life had resembled a soap opera. I played with his feelings, yes; I created such drama, just to keep it going. And I feel contorted now; twisted beyond repair were my past actions. Please forgive me I can’t stop loving you. There’s nothing more that I would like to do than leave his life and allow him to start afresh, but his memories are holding me back. What have you done to me, loved me beyond understanding, beyond he boundaries of heaven and hell. Sweet desert rose, each shadow veils a secret promise. Each day bears a new seed of hope.