Dear Avi,
I promised myself I would not slip into a black hole after meeting you today. But despite my repeated efforts, I think I am sinking into one. I have a presentation tomorrow and slides which I have not even started, but I can't breathe some how. It feels so empty knowing that you are there somewhere hurting, thinking of me, still in love with me despite everything I did to you. I am really sorry Avi, I was so rude to you many times and I never really tried hard enough to make things work. And for many days, as I am leaving this campus, I have seen how much it has taken from me and how much damage it has done not just to my body, but also to my heart, mind and soul.
Words are not enough, and language feels so inadequate to explain what I am feeling right now. Thank you for today, I could not have asked for a sweeter yet heartening meeting. Those pictures of us, my gosh, I never knew I could laugh in happiness and cry in sadness at the same time. They were so beautiful, those beautiful beautiful days in Lucknow and Kanpur. We were such small town kids, you were at least, and I was always looking towards the sky thinking of flying. You are so right in saying that our ambitions have cost us dearly, very dearly. I have lost so much. Abhinav, you did not lose me, believe me, the truth is, that I lost you.
I grew too big for my own shoes. My dreams and ambitions and desires overtook me, and the simple joys of being with you didn't seem to matter then. I thought that if you couldn't keep up with me, you couldn't do good for yourself and I stopped trying - I stopped trying to talk to you because I felt I could no longer relate to you, or relate what I had become and the way I thought with you. I lost you. I drowned myself in friends who gave me attention, and work that fed my thirst for learning and I ignored the most important thing in my life - you. I was wrong Abhinav, I really was. You were my family, my own, but I was never satisfied, always wanting more and more and more. And now I have so much and it all feels empty some times.
It's true, it is unimaginable to think of life without you and I want to say you should start afresh too, but it doesn't feel like it will help you move on. I must be truthful to you, it felt like the first time you proposed to me today - how you said you loved me and I said no and despite having every reason to be mad at me and shout at me, you just said kindly that you will always be there for me and you will always love me and never hold a grudge against me. It is very painful indeed, to care so deeply about you and not be able to be with you. It is strange, so strange to realize that I will not be the one you marry - it was my dream for so many years.
I don't know what to say. I already said good bye and so I do not want to say it again. Allow me to write to you some times, you inspired me today you know - to write. I hope you will read the letters I write to you once in while. I have to go now.
Till I write again,
Tami
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