It is almost 7 years since I first wrote on this blog. Wow, I cannot believe it. It feels so painful to confront myself - how I have changed and how I am no longer with the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I feel I should end it all, but then I think just survive one more day and live on - not knowing if I am right or wrong, just believing that my instinct is betraying me, my body is fighting the urge to go back to him.
It is so painful to have your mind filled with so many doubts, is this different, is this going to work, am I going to be betrayed again, am I going to betray again, will I ever be happy, will things ever work out? So many doubts, so many questions. And I'm sitting here with the Avengers movie in the background and Harry Potter audio books awaiting my ears and all I want is to belong to someone - to have a family, a partner, to end this loneliness. I am done with the parties, the meandering, the wanderlust. I want a home, and a person to share it with. Finally. And I do not know if I have someone to share that feeling with me now.
If I live through this year, I will be grateful - so many conflicts, feels like being a teenager again - so confused, so tormented, but by different things. What is my fate? Has it been written already? Or am I changing it as I write this? Some thing, come inspire me.
It is so painful to have your mind filled with so many doubts, is this different, is this going to work, am I going to be betrayed again, am I going to betray again, will I ever be happy, will things ever work out? So many doubts, so many questions. And I'm sitting here with the Avengers movie in the background and Harry Potter audio books awaiting my ears and all I want is to belong to someone - to have a family, a partner, to end this loneliness. I am done with the parties, the meandering, the wanderlust. I want a home, and a person to share it with. Finally. And I do not know if I have someone to share that feeling with me now.
If I live through this year, I will be grateful - so many conflicts, feels like being a teenager again - so confused, so tormented, but by different things. What is my fate? Has it been written already? Or am I changing it as I write this? Some thing, come inspire me.
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