I sit here again, begging the words to come, but alas they fail me for once. Like prodding a sore wound to make myself scream I let myself get lost in trance of the moment to revive what I could feel so intensely, that intense feeling that made me who I was. It saddens me to think that I am no longer that person. Who am I then? Know Thyself? I know nothing about myself except that I am an attention seeker. The pain gives me power and the joy gives me opportunity to take it away.
Was I always like this, or did I become this when I realized could not get along with anyone. This inability of mine, to let things stay the way they are. There is a hunger to create the drama to feel that passionate emotion which drives me, which nudges me to distort the perfection of the world so that I can feel overpowered by the fact that everything has gone wrong. Is it a way for me to seek power? Is it the realization that since I do not have the power to make things better I should use my power to make things worse since I can do that?
I told him I loved walking in the drizzling rain. There was no drizzling that night, but the sky was overcast. He asked me what made me walk for so long and was it because something that was bothering me. I said I wanted to, I enjoyed it. I had always liked walking with my hands in my pocket. Left right. Left right.
His letter had moved me too. It was time for life to slow down a little. He mocked my heavy thinking in a jovial manner. I told him that I didn’t sit idle much. There were plenty of utensils lying around waiting to be washed and there were classes early morning the next day. Then there would be work and then studies and then work again.
He asked me if I was too caught up in the nitty-gritties of my daily life. I wasn’t sure if I was. Few years ago I had quite a lot idle time. Life changed so quickly, and before I realized I was a completely different person from where I started out. Not that being different was bad but I wondered where all the time went.
He explained that being different was surely not bad and everyone changes all the time. It is inevitable, and many people do not understand that people change and fight over it. I told him that sometimes I felt remorseful in a good way about change. He was puzzled.
I told him, it was that feeling, knowing that change is inevitable and that people will come and go, so accepting that fact but then also feeling sad that its all gone and that some thing else has taken its place. It sounded contradictory, for if I had accepted the fact that this was inevitable then why should I still be melancholic?
He said he didn’t get too attached to people, and those whom he did get attached to, he made a point to keep in touch with. I felt envious. I had had so many fights with friends over stupid misunderstandings. He told me that what one says in an argument cannot be erased once it has been said so it is better to stay mum. So then I wondered how you make the person realize that perhaps you wouldn’t want to take back what you had said because then you wouldn’t have had the realization that it was wrong in the first place.
I told him of my failed attempts at apologizing and how they resulted in more anger and resentment than they started out in. He told me that perhaps those people did not like a lot of things about me and were trying to justify their hate towards me by saying that they didn’t want to be friends with me. I laughed and said, “Or maybe they're whiny bitches who needed drama in their lives.”
We laughed together for a while. I headed back home again, back to my loneliness. There was often this overwhelming emotion inside me that wanted to run away from this loneliness. But always bound by the limitations of reality and the normal world, I knew I would have to spend another night drinking the un-fallen tears. Did I lack the courage to face the consequences of my breaking the rules? Or was it that I was not sure whether the ordeal would be worth the exultation from breaking the rules?
No comments:
Post a Comment