Fatal Attempts at Prose

My friends ask me why I seem so sad all the time! Strange! I'm almost glad they noticed, at least somebody did! They say I've changed, and I mockingly ask them, "Besides the fact that I've put on a dozen kilos and stopped wearing make-up?". They all seem to think that the change is more prolific than that. They ask inquisitively of the reasons for this change, quick to point out how happy to go lucky a person I was. And I am quick to remind them that I still am, but perhaps I have grown more accustomed to being silent instead of always having something to say, as if always in my world thinking of something. I also point out that my final year in college has gotten the best of me- I have been bogged down with the hectic timetable, the annoying teachers and of course, the nightmare of CAT. I hear in retort that a lot of people have the same worries but none have changed as drastically as me.

My mind ponders over to Avi, wondering how I can ever tell them that I have seen the bottom of the pool of death and have swum back up, and how I have lost the most precious person in my life as a result of my mistakes. They sense I have gone into deep thought again and point out that even though I have many problems to face, it does not necessitate me becoming gloomy and pensive so suddenly. They almost pester me to return to my 'worldly' ways. I look down, and sitting on the floor, I realize how life has brought me to the ground from such heights. I realize that I can never truly make up for my mistakes, but somehow I feel liberated, because no matter if the world, or rather, my dear Avi, understands this or not, I have, unequivocally, changed.

I know this not because I am gloomy all the time and have changed the people I associate with, but because I appreciate the consequences of my actions. The more I think about my mistakes and the smear campaign launched against me, the more I feel a murderous instinct within me. But that is not the point, the point is that I know now, it is not just a phrase, "As you sow, so shall you reap.".